Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a
bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself.
We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a motorcycle, placing his shades Horatio Caine style. He doesn’t JUST drive racecars ladies. He’s a bad, bad boy.
Becca gets the first date card. The women all say goodbye to her and Arie before proceeding to follow them outside anyway. Becca has never been on a motorcycle and therefore doesn’t know that it’s not the place to have a first date conversation. She just keeps shouting things at Arie like, “We’re not in Kansas anymore!” and Arie is like shut up bitch I’m trying to drive.
Back at the house the girls are all jealous af, naturally. “She gets to hold Arie,” they say wistfully. Why are you all so thirsty though? She’s like kind of touching his back you horn dogs. Krystal isn’t jealous thought because SHE knows that a lot of people die on motorcycles so hopefully that will happen to Becca.
This date is super cool, because Becca gets a bunch of free shit, I’m just kind of confused. I mean what is the narrative? Where is the Cinderella movie promo theme? They just go on a motorcycle to a random mansion and Rachel Zoe is there. Becca tries on a bunch of designer dresses while Arie watches like “YAS QUEEN” and then they go make out in the yard. I feel like Arie had a weird dream he made all the producers listen to and recreate.
Becca’s super happy to receive ten free designer cocktail dresses after spending her life savings on ten cocktail dresses to come here. Arie puts some Neil Lane earrings on Becca just like he does for his mom. Huh? Why does your mom need you to put her earrings in for her? Idk but solid way to kill the moment.
Becca and Arie go to dinner where we still talk about his “heartbreak” with Emily five damn years ago as if he hasn’t had multiple long term relationships since then. Arie likes Becca because she’s “not afraid to take a risk and be funny.” Funny is a risk on this show. Becca gets her chance with Arie’s pillow lips. Seriously Arie can you let us know what lip plumping brand you are using? Because I need to get me some of that.
Krystal is up next. After hearing her sad story I want to be nice about Krystal but she makes it so hard. She reminds me a lot of Britt. Fake, over the top enthusiasm, “nice” while actually being a bitch, the smiley exterior that will crack in an epic fashion by episode 7.
They take a private jet to Scottsdale so they can drive around the strip malls where teenage Arie used to make out with girls. Fun. Then they go to his high school where Arie gives Krystal a Mean Girls style map out of his high school. “That’s where the art nerds hung. That was the band guys.” What? Those aren’t even cliques how long ago did you go to high school sir?
Whenever I bring a guy to my house to look at my baby pictures on a first date it’s “creepy” and “weird” but when Arie does it it’s endearing smdh. Nah this date is real fucking strange though. They literally watch home videos of Arie’s childhood (which btw are only ever interesting if you’re in them) and he’s like, “Look how little Midah is!” Bitch, she doesn’t even know who Midah is and neither do we! You’ve known each other one god damn hour! But hey, time to meet the parents I guess!
Arie’s mom looks exactly like Krystal will in 20 years so I’m sensing an Oedipal complex going on here. Krystal immediately asks his parents about the hardships of their marriage. Like can you chill? Maybe ask them about their jobs or something first?
After parading around his cookie cutter childhood all day, Arie brings Krystal to dinner so she can open up about her very broken home. See, as manipulative and horrible as it is, at least this date has a narrative! Krystal reveals that her parents divorced when she was young, her father is not in her life, her mother struggled to care for her, and her brother is living on the streets. Arie tells her that she still deserves love! I understand Krystal’s facade a bit more now but I still wish she’d fucking drop it. They go to a private concert where ABC apparently finally caved and captioned the musician instead of being like, “Wow it’s Billy Kentucky Smith! My very favorite pop/bluegrass hybrid singer!”
The group date has 15 women to ensure that not all of them can have one on one time and one will, of course, lose it. But before that they have a demolition derby which actually looks super fucking fun. Annaleise starts crying and I’m like fuck, okay, she’s gonna reveal how she got into some horrific car accident. But no, she was just shitty at bumper cars once when she was a kid. ABC must’ve decided to keep on the BIP editors for the Bachelor, because we’re treated to a bumper car flashback reenactment that actually looks like some shit you’d see on Dateline. I’m here for it.
The demolition derby begins. Tia is about to get redneck af. Annaleise is still crying. Chris H throws shade at Arie’s racing career. Did anyone else notice how when they started talking about Bibiana they switched the soundtrack to some latin instrumental? Just me? Sienne wins and holds up her trophy while drinking a jug of milk. Is this a Nascar tradition idk about? Someone plz explain.
At the later portion of the date, Chelsea grabs Arie before he can even say his wife could be in this room. She drags him somewhere and tells him that the reason she is so mysterious is because she has a kid. “Oh,” says Arie. Way to ruin your sexy mysterious vibes, Chels. Also that’s like the least gratifying conclusion to a cliffhanger. She explains that the fact that she’s a mom (why does she always say this like it is such a rare and unique thing?) means this is more serious for her than everyone else.
Cool that you’re a mom Chelsea but Sienne over here is a well-traveled smoke show who casually went to Yale so suck on that. Arie is like “I dropped out of high school and worked at a Pizza hut.” Yes, Arie, she’s too good for you. We’re all on the same page.
Every time Arie talks to Bekah he acts like a dorky 13 year old girl. He’s this close to asking her if she “likes him” or “like likes him.” Bekah is playing up the ole “Oh I’m ridiculously hot? I had no idea!” card and then they have an…intense kissing sesh. I thought I was cool with this age gap but this made me want to vom so guess not.
In a cold ass producer move, Arie tells Chelsea that it’s great she opened up, but Sienne is getting the rose. Honestly thank god.
At the rose ceremony, Arie hands Brittany a printed out certificate that says shes “Most Hardcore.” I wouldn’t know how to respond to that either, Brit. He and Bekah make out some more. Krystal continues to say everything with the inflection of a porn star and interrupts two women despite having a rose. Bibiana decides she will destroy Krystal if it’s the last thing she does.
Krystal comes over to apologize and Bibiana essentially tells her that she can take that fake apology and shove it right up her hairy *mic drop.* Bib my girl, you cannot say “mic drop” after delivering a sick burn speech, it just completely ruins everything you just said. They both get roses though, and just as we think there’s nothing left of this episode we get Jenny’s car crash of an exit where she angrily refuses to leave and then says, “I’m not sad about you I’m sad about leaving my friends.” I rewound this moment a few more times than I care to admit. Way to go girl, you showed him! Everyone definitely believes you!
Jenny tells us this is the first time she’s been broken up with. I would call bullshit on that except the incredibly immature way she just handled that makes me almost believe it. Why does everyone gotta hate on the taxidermist though? I love that lil freak.
Peace and blessings, see you next week!