The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience akin to seeing Dunkirk in 70mm. I hope you were all as soothed by this garbage TV show as I was this week.

There are 18 women left, meaning that we’re still in the phase where not every woman will get a date with Arie, but there will be two group dates and a one-on-one. We kick off the week with the first group date, featuring Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, and Krystal. This date is sponsored by Netflix inspired by the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (“GLOW”) show, and they’ve chosen to rename it “GLOB” for some reason.

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Chris Harrison announces they have brought in some GLOW cast members, and I got real excited, but they only budgeted for the original wrestlers from the 80s. WTF ABC, give me Alison Brie or give me death. The wrestlers are really trying to get the contestants in the spirit by egging them on with insults, but most of the women are visibly uncomfortable. Bibiana and Tia literally end up crying. Okay, so I realllllllllyyyyyyyy want to make fun of them for this, because it was all clearly supposed to be part of the theatrics where wrestlers talk fake shit to each other before fake wrestling, and you’re supposed to talk back and make it a whole funny fake conflict thing. But I honestly cannot say that I wouldn’t also have cried if an old wrestler lady was roasting me that bad. These bitches are sleep deprived and constantly being fed alcohol in the middle of the day. That is a recipe for tears! This is why I refuse to ever go to one of those restaurants where they write mean insults on a hat and make you wear it while you eat. I would take it personally, and I would likely leave crying. Tia, Bibiana, my babies…………………know thyself.

More embarrassing than leaving the wrestling ring crying, however, is the indignity of having to return to it with tear-stained faces. Yikes. But you can’t possibly be upset when Mr. Pretty Boy Kenny King is the the mothafuckin hoooouuuuusssseeeee! I was so glad to see Kenny! He and Arie do a staged fight where Kenny looks like an absolutely shredded professional beefcake and Arie looks like a literal Carrabba’s waiter. Why is he wrestling in a slim-cut black button-down shirt?

The women are up next to show off their wrestling routines. Krystal seemed to actually beat the shit out of Jacqueline, Lauren B. and Marikh did a weird and very slow-moving softcore porno, and Tia and Bibiana convincingly pretended like everything was totally fine and they weren’t just having a breakdown in the other room. Finally, I would like to give major props to Maquel, who elected to wear the lunch lady costume, complete with a facial mole, while wrestling Bekah, who was literally dressed a fucking sex kitten. I see you standing in your truth, Maquel.

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Imagine being proud of yourself while wearing this on television.

After the humiliating portion of the group date was over, they head to the cocktail party, where Krystal utters “cheeeerrrrrrrsssssssssssss” in her husky voice for literally, like, ten mississippi seconds. She pulls Arie away from the group first and even though he seems super into her, the bitches in the other room are PISSED. Bibiana insists on spending the only alone time she has had so far with Arie talking about Krystal instead of herself. This is the classic Bachelor trap! Don’t do this! Talk about your damn self! She was pretty much doomed to fail after this, but the group date continues with some more sidebars, most of which were far more successful than Bibiana’s. For example, here is a literal conversation Arie had with Bekah:

Bekah: “I’m excited to see you.”

Arie: “Yeah?”

Bekah: “Yeah.”

Arie: “So like, what’s your longest relationship?”

I swear to you that is word for word how it went. Can you fucking imagine? This insane conversation actually ends up with Bekah straddling Arie in a heavy makeout sesh. It is *criminally* easy for this guy to get pussy. Anyway, we the viewers were treated to a deliciously evil edit in which Krystal’s bragging about how all the other women are living in a fantasy because her relationship with Arie is clearly the strongest in the house was directly followed by Arie giving the group rose to Bekah. I’m sorry Krystal, but she put out slightly more. No rose for you!

The next scene of Krystal complaining to Marikh about how much she gets “hated on by girls” is sooooooooooo rich. She literally tells her a story about how her friend’s boyfriend broke up with her because he wanted to date Krystal instead, and how it made the friend resent her. This story is actually in the dictionary under “humblebrag.” I think we all know by now that the “Women just don’t seem to like me, I think it’s because they’re jealous” trope is a huge red flag. We all thought Chelsea was going to be the villain of the season, but I think Krystal has officially  got her beat with this awful diatribe.

 

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This week’s one-on-one is with Lauren S. Who? I’m not convinced she has been this show from the start. I ended up really liking her actually, so of course she got sent out of town on a rail. I felt for Lauren on this date. She knew she was being weird and frantic, but couldn’t stop herself. I wanted her to be able to get it under control, but she just couldn’t get out of her own head long enough to stop talking about mother’s eye infection. This was a spectacular crash and burn and Ari promptly sent her home. When the producers came to pick up her suitcase, reactions were varied…

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These women might literally murder Krystal.

The next group date is dog-themed! Unfortunately, bumper car trauma victim Annaliese is also terribly afraid of dogs. Now, I will say that even though I thought the bumper car flashback scene was pretty funny, I didn’t think the flashback was entirely appropriate here. Dogs are a rational fear, especially for someone who has been bitten or attacked! While Annaliese is trying to avoid being forced to face her fear by ABC producers, Bibiana and Tia are literally praying that the women on the group date get attacked by dogs. I’m very glad that their shared trauma of being insulted by middle-aged female wrestlers has allowed them to bond and share new experiences, like praying to God for trauma to be inflicted on other women.

Fred Willard is here now? I don’t know… this whole dog show date premise was underdeveloped and hard to follow. None of the dogs know how to do any tricks and they never even really attempted to teach them any either. It was strange.

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My thoughts exactly, Fred.

In the later portion of the evening, everyone tried to get their alone time in with Arie. Becca stood out as having a pretty strong connection, but the group date rose ultimately went to Chelsea. Annaliese, knowing she had to get at least one solid conversation in or else likely be sent home, complained all night about not having time with Arie. She bitched and bitched and bitched and then *finally* when she got her alone time, she had absolutely nothing to say! To be fair, Arie didn’t really carry the conversation either, but after all this planning and waiting, it seemed like she should have something prepared. It was painful to watch, but not nearly as bad as when she tried to scheme for a kiss. The interaction made my skin crawl. I still haven’t quite recovered. Long story short, she gets escorted out of the mansion after two dates that targeted two of her strongest fears, and a downright humiliating rejection. This experience was truly a net negative for Annaliese.

At the cocktail party, Bibiana arranged for the producers to set up a cabana and a telescope to look at the stars. Nice, right? NO! The producers set this all up for her and then 100% purposely manipulated the situation to let Arie happen upon this setup with other women! He defiled this cabana with several women, never knowing that it was Bibiana who proactively set it up. She never got a chance to get any one-on-one time with Arie or use the cabana at all. And of course she ended up getting cut. This was some fucked up shit.

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See you in Paradise, bb.

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