The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up. New season, same bullshit. Why can’t I quit you?

Chris Harrison on the scene to tell us that once again, things are going to get worse. Oh, also we’re going to Tahoe, which is a cool place, but still like 50% too hyped. How the fuck do they pack for all of these climate changes in 2 carry on suitcases? Kendall masturbates to the rustic lodge deer-head aesthetic and Seinne gets the first date card.

Everyone is still v spooked by regulation hottie Lauren S. getting the boot on her one-on-one. Immediately after Arie and Seinne close the door behind them, the women all gasp, “So what would it mean if she didn’t come back?” Um, probably that she’s not coming back. Also it’d mean the rest of you crazy fucks are probably in luck he doesn’t want a nice well-rounded woman.

FYI most of the notes I took just say “Krystal stfu” so those are my general vibes this ep.

Arie and Seinne go parasailing and Seinne earns herself a spot as producer’s pet by telling us that “love is about seeing where the wind takes you,” and literally just, “let love soar.” I thought better of you, Seinne.

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When u see bae talking to another girl at the bar

Seinne and Arie go to dinner in a weirdly empty room. Arie WOULD be a winker. They talk about how “people that look like Seinne” (can we just say black ppl or nah?) are underrepresented in the fairy tale love story so she didn’t know if finding love was in the cards. Is that why you stooped to going on this show? She gets the rose and they open a door into the next room with a full volume concert going on. What’s the goingĀ  rate on stub hub for shitty country artist Bachelor dance platform concert dates? Asking for a friend.

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Someone get this girl a Crest White Strips sponsorship

The group date is a “survival” style date, where some middle aged couple who likes surviving tell them to drink their own pee. Is this what retired white people do for fun in Lake Tahoe? “Let’s go out into the woods and try to live off the land, honey!” I really wouldn’t put it past ABC to try and make these girls drink their urine, so I wasn’t positive this was a joke. Several women appear to actually pee in their $30 CamelBak water bottles and Jacqueline is literally about to chug before Arie is like woah chill u freak I was kidding.

Next they are offered a smorgasbord of worms to eat. Kendall is all “I LOVE TO EAT BUGS I’M QUIRKY” and Tia’s just like sounds like a typical Tuesday in Weiner, Arkansas. Kendall tells us that this is her element unlike all these other girls who’d be better off at the mall. Women b shoppin amirite?

Eventually they make their way back to the “oasis” which is a large hot tub and about 30 bottles of champagne. Now we’re talking. Caroline jokingly puts her arm around Tia like Arie does to Krystal and now Krystal decides she’s being bullied. If they were really trying to antagonize you do you think they would’ve done it right in front of Arie? It’s called humor honey look it up.

They all move on to the evening portion of the date. Krystal tells us, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do but I feel like whatever I do is gonna be perfect.” Where do I get this bitch’s ego? There is one Lauren left standing and she is going to let us know that she is here. This was helpful because we really didn’t know she was there. She tells Arie she wants to grow old with someone and spank each other. It was oddly specific but he seemed into it.

Krystal goes to whine to Arie about how her first date made her have a target on her back. Interesting that Becca doesn’t have a target then huh? Villains like Krystal are the worst kind because any rational criticism you give them immediately becomes “everyone is jealous of me.” Why Arie chooses to feed into this bullshit by telling her they’re insecure because of her beauty is just beyond comprehension. He literally talks to her like an aggressive stage mom. Luckily Tia gets the rose despite Krystal “being really clear with Arie” that she didn’t want her to get it.

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Krystal, after starting an argument

The ladies all frantically discuss the fact that Bekah is 22 and how that definitely means Arie is going to send her home. Have you guys like ever met a man before? Jw. Bekah and Arie go horse back riding for a sec and then straddle each other in a hot tub. They have a lot of chemistry but I have a hard time seeing anyone not have “chemistry” with Bekah.

At dinner Arie tells Bekah that he wakes up with the sun and doesn’t party like he did “in his late twenties.” LOL. Bekah is like what is the sun. She casually brings up, “Wait do you know how old I am” as if it isn’t something she specifically hasn’t told him. There’s an awkward few moments where Arie realizes this relationship is doomed but then has a penis and decides to keep her around anyway. They hold each other’s faces and Arie tells Bekah she is the most incredible person he’s ever met. Something tells me Bekah is going to be a thorn in the happy couple’s side watching the show back.

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Is this a safety hazard?

Krystal continues to give speeches to the rest of the women like some sort of deranged camp counselor. Chris Harrison enters to announce (as is the case at least once every season) that there will be no cocktail party. I’m floored guys.

Chris to Arie: What drove you to this decision?

Arie: The contract I signed to do whatever ABC says

Krystal of course immediately pulls Arie aside to say nothing new but to stake another red flag in their relationship. Of course, it’s too soon for her crazy to have run its course, so she gets the last rose and Caroline and Brittany go home. Meaning ABC finally switched up their bag of tricks and the first woman out of the limo (Caroline) was never a front runner.

In the credits, Marikh tells Chelsea not to glam-shame her and she’s going to eat tide pods if she wants to. Hold up a sec, do I like Chelsea now?

 

 

 

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