The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened and am only left with a lingering sense of stress. But I’ll try my best.

The women all bust out their high-waisted jean shorts and head to Fort Lauderdale, or rather the Fort Lauderdale W, where their digs have significantly improved. The other incentive of staying on this show is that your lifestyle keeps getting increasingly bougie.

Chelsea gets the first one-on-one and they go on your classic Bachelor yacht date. Chelsea is nervous because she wants Arie to know that she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. To prove this, she straddles him on a jet ski and makes out with him as the other women watch from a fucking telescope. Interesting how all of their residences keep having advanced optical equipment lying around. Is the next hotel gonna have remote control drones for casual use?

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Chelsea, ya basic

Arie and Chelsea continue their date in the middle of a bunch of old timey cars. Did this remind any one of the more NSFW below-deck Titanic scene? My parents fast forwarded through all the good parts. Chelsea reveals more of her back story, which is that she was in a relationship with a rich dude for seven years, they had a kid, and then he left her and married someone else. Harsh. Chels is like “When I was 20 I was really into gold digging but now I know what true riches are.” Honestly though, that sucks and I feel bad for her. Plus, Chelsea has really mellowed out since the first episode when she had a few too many champagne flutes and got real shit-talky. Basically, I fuck with Chelsea now.

The names are called for the group date and there are SO MANY NAMES. Random ladies I forgot were still here keep poppin’ outta corners, and I’m like how are there still so many of you this far in? For the group date they all take crack and go to a bowling alley, or at least that’s my understanding of it because they are having way too much fun to just be bowling. They split up into teams to compete for the second half of the date. The Pink team apparently sucks at bowling and the Blue team is playing at an Alley Cat Strike level. Bekah is like really positive about how bad her teammates are. My ass would scream at my teammates and then bowl a 47 myself, and I’m three years older than Bekah, so maybe age truly is ~just a number.~

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NOBODY MAKE OUT WITH THIS MAN!

Of course, Arie then does the thing every lead does where everyone gets to continue on the date anyway. And Krystal is not having it. Didn’t I say her meltdown would be fabulous? Listen, I too would be annoyed at this bullshit. It’s like when you’re keeping score of a game and someone says we shouldn’t bother because “it’s just for fun.” Bitch, why the fuck are we playing then? But calling Arie a liar and throwing a hissy fit in your bathrobe is just an overreaction to a minor change he probably wasn’t in control of to begin with.

The women all collectively tell Arie Krystal decided not to come because she sucks, and Arie decides to go and have a word with her. UGH. Can we not play into her antics? Why not talk to all the women who did come down to see you before talking to the one that didn’t? Krystal says she wants to be in an equal partnership with someone and that Arie should have consulted her before making that decision. HONEY. You are not a producer on this television show. You aren’t partners. You are barely even in a relationship? Do you know what show you signed up for?

Lauren B. plays a flirty getting to know you game of 21 (?) questions. Which we all know is just a way to ask someone about all the kinky shit they’ve done in bed, but she doesn’t ask him anything interesting. After a riveting convo about how they each take their coffee (Coconut milk? Wow what a kook!) Arie says he’s gotten to know her on a deeper level and gives her the rose.

Tia has the second one-on-one. And in case we forgot, Tia is a country girl! Arie is like the dad that finds out you sort of liked a book once and then exclusively gets you books by that author for the next twenty years of your life. He knows Tia is from the south, hence instead of getting yacht dates, Tia will forever get weird “down and dirty” dates where he pours moonshine down her throat. They go on a boat tour of the Everglades and then to the home of a redneck so redneck that his neck is literally red. But not before Arie compares falling in love to a literal alligator because “it’s scary.” I’m done.

Tia tells Arie that in the past she has dated guys “she can fix” which sounds like she has a comparable taste in men to Raven, who beat her ex with a shoe after finding him in bed with another woman. To be fair, I wouldn’t be surprised by a lack of high caliber men in Weiner, Arkansas. We also learn that Tia is a physical therapist who works with the elderly, and Arie jokes that there are lots of old people in Scottsdale. Like himself. Tia says she’s falling in love. What? Where did this come from?

At the cocktail party, Krystal is public enemy no. 1, as per usual. By this point, though, the women are pretty open about their distaste for her, and their (spot-on) impressions have moved from individual confessionals to the general living room area. Apparently Krystal being rude to all of the women was one thing, but talk shit about Arie and the sister wives will band together to defend his honor.

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When my boss asks what I did at work the past week

Because Krystal doesn’t want to address the group and be ganged up on, she offers to speak to anyone who cares to individually. Lil Freak takes one for the team and very rationally explains everyone’s problems to Krystal, to which she replies, “I’M HURT!” How many times do I have to say it? Reasoning with Krystal is useless. Trying to force her to take responsibility is useless. It’s like calling out a child for cheating in a game of Sponge Bob Monopoly Junior. They’re just going to deny it and then they’re just going to cry that you’re being mean when you try to make your argument. Just a random unrelated example I thought of.

Krystal realizes she’s in deep shit and tries to defend her actions to Arie. He tells her that wasn’t cool and he didn’t appreciate her reaction and Krystal replies “I just like grew up in a bowling alley so it’s just like really hard for me.” Arie narrows his eyes as he contemplates how many of her previous childhood stories were fabricated. Krystal is all “first fight LOL!” and Arie says, “Well it could be our last fight.” BURN. I’m gonna save that one for the next time I’m arguing with my non-existent boyfriend in the shower.

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The face of someone triggered by bowling alleys

Lil Freak and Arie just keep getting closer and closer this episode. She too, has a little question game for Arie. While Lauren B. asked him how he likes his eggs (snooze!) Kendall asks him if he were living with a tribe of cannibals and they offered him human meat, would he try some? That’s one of my go-to first date questions too, girl. In case anyone was wondering, Kendall would love to eat human meat. Color me shocked.

At the rose ceremony, Arie gets rid of Ashley, Marikh, and poor Maquel, who just got back from her grandpa’s funeral only to get the boot. I’m not worried, though, because Arie already has a big whiff of Krystal’s crazy and it’s clear he’s not into it. It’s only a matter of time. The more pressing matter is WHO are these old lady bowlers and WHY are they asking Arie about his sexual fantasies? Hopefully we’ll never know, see ya next week!

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