Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap this SOB.
Kendall is somehow in final four and I am not mad about it. She brings Arie into a storage locker full of dead animals and makes him stuff a dead rat skin. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type IN A BACHELOR RECAP. Kendall says she likes taxidermy because she gets to keep the animals forever and that’s just some next level psycho shit that I don’t have the degree to unravel. They dress their dead rats in wedding gear and put them into a diorama of Paris and act out a date. This sounds like some Tinder Nightmares shit. Look Kendall, I like death and stuffed animals just as much as the next gal but this is gross. How does that storage locker not just reek of dead animal carcass? How much are you paying per month to rent it? At what point do you decide you want to keep Arie forever and hang him up on the wall?
Kendall and Arie go to meet her family which includes her twin sister named Kylie…. How unfortunate to be sisters named Kendall and Kylie before THE Kendall and Kylie happened. All those people named Chicago and Stormi must be so bummed right now. Anyway, obviously Kendall is a twin because twins are fucking weird. Kylie looks, sounds, and acts exactly like Kendall but with a bold red lip and straightened hair. Kylie reads Arie’s aura or something and it is not good. Kendall, Arie, and her entire family seem kind of “meh” about this situation, probably because these two have not had a date alone before. Drink every time Arie calls Kendall “quirky.”
Next up is Weiner, Arkansas, POPULATION 716. I don’t know what terrifies me more, Kendall’s taxidermy fetish or the idea of living in Weiner, Arkansas. Tia somehow arranges for the two of them to race cars and provides perfectly fitted race suits. Jk Arie probably carries his around with him in case of spontaneous racing. Maybe I’m just a hater but I feel like they used a stunt double for this.
They head to meet the family. We aren’t drinking red wine in this house folks, Tia’s family just has a bunch of pints of Bud Light and cocktail weenies. (I see what you did there). Anyway I dig this aesthetic. Tia’s dad butchers Arie’s name and her brother looks simply terrifying. Nobody is putting on airs in this house.
Tia’s brother Jason confronts Arie about his “playboy reputation” and his nickname “the kissing bandit.” Somebody did a cursory google search, but I wish he had gone in further. Print out a few pics of his supposed ex girlfriends, or Jef Holm’s mysterious tweets about him. We need receipts! Arie looks like he’s going to get his ass kicked (who couldn’t kick Arie’s ass?) but then Jason says, “I wasn’t ready to like the guy, but I do.” Us too, Jason, Us too.
Tia’s father goes through the same course of questioning before threatening Arie, “I can find ya on Google,” as if his access to the internet is some sort of top secret spy power. Arie asks for her father’s blessing, when he didn’t for Kendall, another point where this episode fucking tricked me.
Arie heads to Minnesota to go apple picking and meet Uncle Gary. Does anybody really have fun picking apples? Because after five minutes and an Instagram that shit is boring af let’s be real. Back at the house, Uncle Gary is throwing shade and imitating dumb bachelor girls like his niece isn’t on this show. All of Becca’s family is like “Lol Becca is definitely not dumb enough to think this is true love.” Well this is gonna b awkward.
Becca’s dad died when she was 19 which is just really sad and I don’t have any jokes about it. Her mom is adorable, and because Arie can’t ask her dad we finally get a mother’s input on this whole “permission” situation. She says she won’t give her blessing per se but that she trusts Becca and will support her in whatever her decision is. “I love that,” says Arie.
What would happen if one didn’t run to greet Arie and jump into his arms and straddle him? What if you just like strolled over and gave him a hug like a normal person? Would the universe combust? Jw. Lauren and Arie go horseback riding at Virginia Beach which does not seem romantic. They go up to some sort of light house situation and make out while Arie strokes her a whole lot. Back at her huge fucking mansion, her mother wonders if Arie knows how conservative their family is. Yikes, I’m scared ya’ll.
Arie and Lauren come in to meet the family and they are all like “Speak for us, dutch boy.” Then they just sit there in silence. Big shocker that Lauren comes from a fam of non-talkers. At dinner Lauren’s father asks Arie if he’s ever known anyone in a military family. What a weird fucking opener. He follows it up by asking if Arie plays golf so maybe this is just Republican getting-to-know-you 101.
Lauren’s dad tells us that Arie should be prepared to protect his daughter with his life, and if he doesn’t, he’ll fucking kill him. Huh? What sorts of dangers are you predicting to come to Scottsdale, Arizona? Arie is racking up the death threats this ep, but after he tells Lauren’s dad a story about supporting the troops, Lauren’s dad is about ready to marry Arie himself. Yo Lauren’s dad, were you in the military or something?
Lauren’s mom, on the other hand, hates Arie’s fucking guts. She listens to him expound on Lauren’s virtues with the face of grumpy cat and says absolutely nothing. She definitely thought her daughter and family were classier than this show. She talks to Lauren, who tells her that Arie is “so much like me.” Lauren’s mom (and all of us at home) says, “Really?”
At the rose ceremony Arie pulls Kendall aside to asks her if she’s ready to marry him. She responds, reasonably, that she’s not. Arie proceeds to pick Becca, Lauren, and Kendall. What is happening?! Tia was clearly the obvious choice here so either producers wanted to flip the script or Arie was just never that into Tia. Either way he better run and hide because Jason’s already on the google looking up the address of Airy the Kissing Bandit.