The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

Y’all ready for another season of formulaic emotional manipulation? Let’s do the damn thing!

Remember how awful the ending of last season was? And how we all started to question how we could watch something so exploitative and humiliating? Well, ABC really heard our feedback. It’s clear that they understand that they went too far by recording and airing the break-up. They realize that they made us all feel gross and they know they need to adjust in the future. It’s like all those insane commercials that play relentlessly during the NBA playoffs where big companies apologize to us for doing a bunch of crimes. So taking our critiques into consideration, ABC has decided to begin this season by… replaying the scene where Arie publicly broke up with Becca and her world was forever changed. There are some really good people behind this show and they have a lot to be proud of. #BeBest.

I don’t want to rehash it again. I just want to say Becca should be grateful for every single day that she does not wake up to Arie Luyendyk in Phoenix, Arizona.

To prepare for her stint as Bachelorette, Becca seeks advice from her family, the random Minnesota state representative who tried to ban Arie from the state for life, and most importantly, from our last three Bachelorettes. It wasn’t until last night that I realized that the Bachelorettes have a WAY better track record with relationships than the Bachelors. Think about it! Chris Soules has no fiancée to conjugally visit him when he goes to prison for straight-up killing a guy, Ben Higgins is married to his podcast, and Nick is preparing for his arc on General Hospital (not kidding), while Kaitlyn, JoJo, and Rachel are all going strong with their respective hotties.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Neil Lane Princess Cut Rock helps Becca prepare for the night to come by consistently re-filling her wine glass, offering advice, and cleansing the mansion with a sage ritual. When did this become a universal girl thing to do? My roommates used to burn sage in my apartment and I never understood why there were bundles of charred herbs lying around all over the place. I’m not trying to be a chill girl here and shit on things that women like. I write a literal blog about The Bachelorette, so suffice it to say that I subscribe to most girl trends. This one escapes me.

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Kaitlyn gets it.

With her newly-saged pussy, Becca is ready to do the damn thing. Time to meet the men!

This year we have not one, but two football players no one has ever heard of. I haven’t even considered picking either of these dudes up off the waiver wire when everyone on my fantasy roster is hurt mid-season and I’m getting desperate. But they seem nice enough and they both have money so they’re not necessarily here for the Instagram endorsements. Unlike in his NFL career, Colton seems to have a good chance at success on this show. He’s super hot, used to date Aly Raisman, has a cute dog, and was first out of the limo. All signs point to top 4 material.

Garrett is a medical sales rep and I don’t understand why that job is so fucking common for contestants on this show. He lives in Reno, so I don’t trust his judgement, but he’s pretty hot and I thought the mini-van stunt was kind of cute. Everything came crashing down when I googled him and found out he’s got a pretty gross social media presence! I’m excited to see what happens once Becca catches on to the fact that her preferred suitor thinks Parkland students are crisis actors. Real high caliber dudes this season!

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My future husband could be in this room, and I sure hope he doesn’t routinely like Tomi Lahren’s Instagram posts!

Jordan is a dumbass. He’s definitely trying to get famous, like even more obviously than everyone else. I’m sure most of these guys are not serious about finding love with Becca, but I appreciate it when they make a convincing attempt to hide it. How is this dude so obsessed with what everyone is wearing and yet his tie knot was distractingly messy? Also, I like the sock-less loafer lewk on men! He is dumb and I am annoyed. Whatever, he will probably just float around on a few group dates until he is unceremoniously dismissed. See ya on Paradise, pensive gentleman.

We got Lincoln from Nigeria, Jean Blanc from Haiti, but none compares to the glory of JOE FROM CHICAGO. How did he not make it? This is an outrage. I. Love. Joe. I immediately declared him my favorite from the start. I love that grating midwest accent, I love that he owns a grocery store, and I love his face. I don’t get it at all! He’s cute and from her home region and he didn’t do anything disqualifying on the first night. How did she let this gem slip away? All I know is that this motherfucker BETTER be on Paradise because I’m certain that I am not the only member of #BatchNaysh who fell in love.

I’m also really into the banjo dude from After the Final Rose. He is all kinds of fine, and he could back me up on some Dixie Chicks songs when I get drunk and start singing. And I like that he didn’t do anything gimmicky coming out of the limo, since he already did a full-on banjo diddy at ATFR. Blake, on the other hand, kept up the gimmicks by bringing an ox to the Bachelor Mansion. Why not. He’s cute though and Becca is into him. Speaking of gimmicks, I actually like the chicken suit guy. He’s pretty cute and I appreciated that his costume absolutely blew Jordan’s mind.

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When you book the gig with TJ Maxx.

I’m offended by Leo’s hair but I cackled when he called the rest of the dudes “highway patrol officers.” Keep him around!

We had some dumb drama on the first night because *gasp!* a guy named Chase turned out to be a douche. Apparently he is not actually seeking everlasting love with Becca, but instead trying to boost his business by coming on the show. His marketing business outside of Orlando, FL, to be exact. He tries to get ahead of the gossip situation, but he has no good explanation planned for it, so all he ultimately does is bring it to Becca’s attention. When Chris confronts Chase about it, Chase’s response is just “that’s what happens… women, you know,” and I prayed he would be very fucking careful about how he chose to end that sentence. Looks like Becca dodged a bullet here.

The Jake situation was also weird, but I think Becca was right to send him home. If he wasn’t interested enough to make any sort of move one of the many times they met in normal life, then he’s probably not there for her now. If they met at a party where she didn’t have a bunch of beefcakes there specifically for her and they didn’t hook up then, why would it happen now, under these circumstances? I gotta say, Becca was stonnneeeeee coollllddddddd sending this dude home. She very clearly wanted him out as fast as possible. I died laughing when he thought it was a valid excuse to say “I only have one conscious recollection of meeting you,” to which Becca replied, “Yeah, well… we’ve met multiple times, so.”

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I can feel the romance from here.

Garrett gets the first impression rose. Makes sense. My first impression of Garrett was “oh, he’s pretty hot,” so I might have given him that rose too. Good thing there’s no second impression rose, because my second impression of Garrett was “oh, he likes a bunch of poorly-crafted memes about tossing Mexican children over the wall.”

At the rose ceremony, roses go out to Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John (ummm, he created Venmo?), Ryan, Alex, Nick (whose coloring is very off), Trent, Leo, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris.

Our not-so-lucky contestants include Chase, Kamil, Christian, Grant, Darius, and motherfucking Grocery Store Joe. I really can’t say enough about how upset this has made me. #JusticeForJoe

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