Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the literal furniture upon which she was dumped. But yeah we’ve all totally moved on.
Chris Harrison opens the episode by telling the guys that for some of them, it will be time to cut the cord. I found this maternal metaphor an odd choice until watching the episode. Apparently a lot of these men are just giant ass children with mommy issues. Idk why I’m surprised.
For the group date Becca takes the men to try on tuxedos. They all start stripping down and Becca giggles like the pure Minnesota prude she is. Jordan reveals to Becca that he’s a male model (how he managed to go the entire first night not telling her that is shocking) and tells Becca that before she puts her panty hose on she needs to put her confidence on. Why does this sound like something painted on a wine glass in a boutique souvenir shop?
The men are going to be competing in a hokey obstacle course that they will take much too seriously, similar to the baby obstacle course last season. Instead of Mila and Ashton however, they have Rachel and Bryan. Rachel throws around some blow job innuendos and Bryan just stands there looking like a hot douche so both of them are pretty much on brand. Is anyone else a lil worried about Lincoln? Honey you are too emotionally invested in this! He blatantly cheats and then tells us he heard a voice chanting “Win. Win. Win…..Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win.” I think Lincoln might actually think that Becca is his wife now.
They proceed to the after party where things continue to get weird. Chris tells Becca he’s going to treat the woman he marries like his mom and his sister so our Oedipal theme is still going strong this ep. Tbh Chris seems like the kind of guy who thinks he “understands” women because he has a sister.
The other men, especially Connor, are a bit too butt hurt about Lincoln’s obstacle course win. Like yes he is annoying, but who is the bigger baby here? The guy talking to a picture frame or the guy who smashes said picture frame into the pool?
Let’s talk about Jean Blanc for a second. Jean Blanc would never stoop to such petty squabbles. Jean Blanc hints for a kiss but all I can think of is this:
Obviously Lincoln’s gonna tattle because he seems to have the emotional range of a six year old. This is so embarrassing for both parties, she literally has to sit down with a grown man and be like “Did you smash Lincoln’s picture frame?” Rather than apologizing, Connor says, “I don’t like that that’s how it played out.” Wow! I cannot believe this fratty white boy doesn’t take responsibility for his actions!
Blake is a cutie pie and he and Becca are embarking on a mystery date planned by Chris Harrison (sure) so I’m sure it will be romantic and nice and not at all weird. Lol. Nah, the producers have gathered every Arie-related remnant they can find from last season into a warehouse for Becca to smash with her new romantic interest. Oh and also Lil Jon is going to be there because why wouldn’t he be? Becca smashes and wastes a shit load of perfectly good champagne while Lil Jon just screams random shit about Arie and race cars into a mic. I think I want to hire Lil Jon to wake me up in the morning and based off this episode I could probably afford it. Meanwhile Blake is just over here like “It was great seeing all of Becca’s pent up rage she still feels for her ex!” Blake reminds me of Dean before we all decided we hate him.
The group date is dodgeball. Because if you can dodge your ex’s calls while ghosting her to go on The Bachelorette, you can dodge a ball. Side note: whose children are these?? They will be performing in a trampoline arena but not before Fred Willard returns to tell us about the time he watched nudists play volleyball. Cool! WHO is in charge of the guest stars this season and just how wide of a net do they cast?
I love a man in hot pink I really do and Leo looks exactly like someone who would be involved in an intramural dodgeball league. Becca has a crap seat for whatever reason and I’m concerned that she is not getting the full effect of Leo’s quads. Despite his Tanzanian beast mode, the green team wins.
On the second group date where the men decide to reveal terrible information to Becca, Colton tells her he used to date her BFF Tia. Given the time frame between Arie’s season and filming Becca’s season I get why this looks shady af. But at least he’s telling her now. When ya gonna tell her your opinion on liberal women Garrett? Wills gets the rose because Becca wants to steal his jacket and he’s one of the only ones who didn’t deeply upset her this episode. It’s week two get it together ya’ll.
Back at the mansion Clay tries to be fun. Becca can’t floss. Connor makes a nice recovery from frame-gate. And Jordan decides he hasn’t gotten enough screen time this ep so he takes off all his clothes. (Hmm what female contestant does this remind me of?) Jordan ever so humbly explains to Becca that he doesn’t want her to misinterpret him as “some guy who’s like 007.” Can we just take a sec to appreciate the hubris of thinking someone has mistaken you for being too JAMES BOND?
Chicken man does NOT like Jordan parading around in his undies and a pink throw blanket. He asks Jordan if Jordan thinks it’s wrong. Jordan does not think it is wrong but Chicken man lets him know that it is wrong anyway. THE INGENUITY! What a beautiful moment in television where two guys are so dumb that they not only use the wrong word for “disingenuous” but inadvertently use another incredibly complimentary word while trying to insult each other. This is why we watch The Bachelor.
Colton comes to the rose ceremony looking like a snickety snack and I knew Becca wasn’t letting this hunk of beef go anytime soon. Some guys whose names I’m too lazy to google got kicked out along with a man named Alex whose failed attempts at trying not to weep made me weep. You’ll get em next time Al!