The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

If the brutal separation of screaming children from their terrified asylum-seeking parents isn’t enough to make you hate Donald J. Trump, surely his habitual interruptions of The Bachelorette will do the trick. Seriously, motherfucker, interrupt my broadcast one more goddamn time and…… well, I’ll angrily blog about you to my meager following of readers. Hillary would never have played us like this.

The first group date this week featured all of our favorite ladies from Arie’s season who will almost certainly be feasting on Becca’s leftovers in Paradise this summer. Wills, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, Colton, and Jason joined the ladies on this date, and although it was spa-themed, it was anything but relaxing for our sweet baby Colton. This week, Becca looked in the mirror, took a deep breath, and thought to herself, “Okay, Becky. We have two group dates this week. One of them will be a light-hearted football game, and one of them will be a date with Tia. Now, Colton is a professional football player by trade, and he has a romantic history with Tia. Which date should I put him on…….. Hmmmm…… I’ve got it!” Girl, this was straight-up cruel.

It’s revealed that Tia and Colton briefly dated before Arie’s season aired, and implied that Colton like… definitely thought Tia was going to be the next Bachelorette. I mean, Tia also definitely thought she was going to be the next Bachelorette, so Colton wasn’t the only one to end up disappointed. I just want to say though, it would be really fucked up if she had become Bachelorette! It’s not at all fair to be already dating one of the dudes in the house when you start your season! It’s also hilarious that Tia wondered “what are the odds that Colton would actually make it onto the show?!” Do you have eyes, Tia? Of course he’s making it onto the show!

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Becca & Tia

The rest of this group date was mostly focused on Becca’s budding relationship with Jason, whose name she couldn’t remember mere hours earlier, and the feud between David and Jordan. I stan Jason because he is from Buffalo and he has a super harsh accent and says “freakin’” all the time. I know those aren’t great reasons to like someone, but ya gotta root for the home team. The Jordan-David fight is fitting into the classic Bachelor/ette trope where one person is obviously bad and the other is good, but the good person feels the need to tell the lead about why the bad person is bad. David, Jordan is SO OBVIOUSLY BAD. Becca knows that he is bad. She only kept him around because the producers forced her to for entertainment value. He is not going to be proposing at the end of this. There is truly no need to spend your time with Becca talking about him. Come on! Just talk about how you’re a conventionally attractive venture capitalist. It truly couldn’t be easier for you to succeed here, bud.

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That is, um, not the expression.

Becca and Colton are finally able to talk and clear the air, and WOW, turns out Becca does not take much convincing to trust Colton. She’s like “did u come here 4 Tia” and he’s like “uh nah” and she’s like “sounds legit, here’s the group date roze.” It is amazing what hot people can get away with! Side note – I wonder when he’s going to reveal that he also dated Aly Raisman.

The one-on-one date went to Chris this week. Chris looks like Ron Perlman and it’s distracting. Also distracting was the atrocious outfit Becca wore to this week’s date. This date sucked – a man who had a one hit wonder in literal 1989 forced them to write love songs to each other. The whole time I was SO nervous he was going to make them sing their original songs. I could hardly watch in anticipation of what I thought was going to happen to this poor contestant. Thank GOD they left the singing to this random ass man whose Wikipedia page I just read and, on a related note, is apparently married to Daisy Fuentes?! Chris gets the rose. Who cares.

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“Don’t make me sing!” – Chris

Back at the mansion, we are treated to yet another classic Bachelor/ette trope where they make it seem like contestants got into a serious physical fight, but it turns out one of them just got injured in a dumb accident. David apparently fell out of bed and busted the shit out of his face! Two thoughts here – (1) there is absolutely no way he was in the ICU. Chris Harrison is lying to us. He broke his face, not his spine. (2) as many of you know, my fellow D&H writer and I were college roommates. And as any intelligent, young women with a penchant for binge-drinking would, we decided to bunk our beds. Freshman year, that bitch fell out of her top bunk one too many times, so she installed a baby rail to prevent subsequent accidents. David’s face could have been saved by such a protective measure.

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Yas woke queens, take a knee!

The guys on the second group date this week played a pretty violent football game. A black man was described as a “freak athlete” and the racist white guy stepped in at quarterback, so Clay’s presence wasn’t the only way this date resembled a real NFL game! Speaking of poor, sweet Clay, my guy… this is an incredibly embarrassing way to get injured. Even after emerging from the hospital in a shoulder sling, and earning the group date sympathy rose, Clay unfortunately has to leave us. It would be incredibly stupid for him to put off his surgery and risk what’s left of his career for this show, where his corny ass almost certainly wouldn’t even have made it to hometowns. Good choice, Clay.

No rose ceremony this week because nothing makes sense anymore. See ya next week!

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