The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

Sorry we missed last week but the thing is that we don’t actually owe you shit!

ANYWAY, this week was highly illuminating – I actually feel like I got a better idea of who these men are and I started developing some clear favorites. Turns out a lot of them are trash, though!

As if Becca’s fashion sense couldn’t get any worse, the gang headed to Vegas and she brought out all of her best sequin garb from 2006. Seriously, she is the worst-dressed Bachelorette in recent memory. Most of her clothes look like they were plucked out of the season 3 Hannah Montana wardrobe collection. It’s really brutal.

Also brutal – Becca’s complete lack of personality this season. I don’t know if she’s just a boring person or if she’s getting a boring edit, but she not a very dynamic Bachelorette. We’re five episodes in and I still know nothing about her, outside of her relationship with Arie breaking down in a public fashion. Kaitlyn, JoJo, Andi, and Rachel always came off as funny and cool, but Becca is doing nothing for me this season. Please stop calling yourself a nerd! You are a conventionally hot woman with conventional interests!

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I literally cannot imagine having girlfriends who are in any sort of appropriate physical state to go to church on Sunday mornings.

Colton gets the one-on-one this week because Becca is OBSESSED with Colton. He proudly announces that him and Becca have “left the whole Tia situation in the past,” which is funny, because (***spoiler alert***) the rumor is that he and Tia get back together in Paradise and might even be engaged! Sorry for the spoiler, but you can blame petty-ass Bekah for that one, not me. Their one-on-one date consists of riding camels and then hot tubbing in the Nevada desert, which sounds terrible, but I did find it moderately entertaining that Colton’s camel cockblocked him the whole day. I like to think the camel was sending Becca a message that this hoe ain’t loyal. During the dinner portion of the night, Colton reveals a bit about the last serious relationship he was in, which was almost certainly with Aly Raisman. He told her that he loved her and she broke up with him. Sorry, Colton, but perhaps she was a bit preoccupied winning gold medals and taking down a serial child molester. Colton gets the rose because again, Becca is fucking obsessed with him. She might know in the back of her mind that he doesn’t like her as much as she likes him, but she wants to get that sweet ass into a fantasy suite and honestly, who can blame her?

The group date this week is truly awful. I understand that Wayne Newton is considered “Mister Las Vegas,” but there are one million better things to do in Vegas than hang out with this old leather shoe. Go see Britney Spears perform at her Planet Hollywood residency! Go visit Chumlee at the Pawn Stars Shop! Go knock on some doors for Nevada senate candidate Jacky Rosen! No one wanted to take my excellent suggestions, so the men are forced into this nightmare date in which they are required to stare into the face of Wayne Newton, which at this point resembles a raw ballpark frank, and worse yet, sing in front of a crowd.

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TFW ur making a rly good point

The performances are pretty uncomfortable start to finish, but Chris definitely thinks he nailed it and is absolutely stunned when he doesn’t get the group date rose. Blake put in some serious work with Becca, he dropped the “falling in love” bomb, and was slick as hell doing it – homie earned that rose. Chris is fucking pissed and threatens to leave. He did all that weird crowd work for nothing! He goes off on an insane tangent and the rest of the dudes are really weirded out by him.

Chris’ antics only get worse as the episode progresses, but we’ll take a quick detour to discuss the two-on-one. Becca kicks off the date with a hopeful message, saying “I know the two-on-one always gets a bad rep, but I just wanna chill and have fun.” You know, LIKE AN IDIOT. Becca, my dear, I appreciate the sentiment but the design of this date is literally to select the two contestants in the house with the most intense history of confrontation, and put them together in a remote area with absolutely nothing to do except sit on a randomly placed canopy bed. You cannot have high expectations for this ridiculous set-up and then become indignant when it devolves into chaos. Come the fuck on!

As annoying as the date was, I’m glad that it happened, because it provided a swift vehicle for removing both of these men from the show. And my god, they both really deserved it. I was into David for a while – I’ll admit it was purely because I’m shallow and he is a whole snaque, but by this episode I was praying for this dude to leave. All he did for the last few episodes was troll Jordan. And don’t get me wrong, Jordan sucks! Jordan is a complete joke and he should have been gone night one (#JusticeForJoe), but he honestly came off much better on this date than David did. I think Becca did the right thing on this date. Sending David home right away was a no-brainer – he spent the entire date (and the last two dates) exclusively talking about Jordan, and that drives me insane. I understood why Becca wanted to give Jordan a little bit more time, especially considering he did open up a little bit and expose more than his dumbass Sears model persona. But ultimately, sending him home after dinner was also a no-brainer. She couldn’t even take him seriously when he tried to kiss her, and that’s because he’s a fundamentally unserious person.

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@JORDAN PLEASE TAKE NOTE FOR THE RECORD

I have to say, the guys’ reactions to their suitcases getting taken away were hilarious. It’s always one of my favorite little parts of the show, but these ones were especially good. When David’s got taken, Colton remarked earnestly, “He had the wrong attitude!” which really made me chuckle. Then when Jordan’s got taken later, they literally screamed and jumped up and down. I really love the scenes where the guys are just hanging at the house, talking shit in their cute lil comfy clothes and glasses while the other guys are on dates, and I wish we could see more of that footage.

At the cocktail party, Becca confronts Chris about why he is being such a little bitch lately. She heard that he was complaining about the group date, and he lies to her about what he said and insists that he wants to be there. The whole thing was pretty annoying to watch and Becca is clearly souring on him quiiiiiiiiiiickly. She wanted some time to think, but he kept coming back to try to clear his name. The confrontation between him and Wills was downright painful. I have to say, Wills handled it 100% perfectly. Every word that came out of his mouth was carefully chosen, and he was just the right mix of polite and firm. Chris kept trying to jack more and more of Wills’ alone time with Becca, and Wills did not allow himself to be walked all over. Chris repeatedly asks for five more minutes like a sleep-deprived teenager getting up for school in the morning. This interaction lasted so much longer than I would have liked. Roughly twenty times after he should have stopped, Chris was still asking. And then he asked five more times.

Wills is not going to win this show, but he deserves a shout out for how he has conducted himself thus far. Even after Chris bitched that he only gave him 45 seconds to talk to Becca, he calmly replied, “I didn’t have to get up at all.” You go, Wills! Reclaim your time! We truly don’t often encounter men like this on this awful show, so I wanted to fully acknowledge that Wills is great. He really killed his one-on-one date, he successfully pulled off a RompHim, and handled the Chris situation like a well-adjusted, confident adult. I’m going to go there – Wills has #BDE.

 

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Expert trolling.

Chris continued to be terrible all night, going so far as to remark that Becca “would be losing such an amazing guy” if she sent him home. But of course, at the expense of Venmo John, Chris gets the final rose of the night. Farewell, Venmo John, we hardly knew ye, but somebody is gonna be getting that Silicon Valley dick wet in Paradise this summer!

We’re down to the final 9 and they can hardly muster up a convincing cheer for their upcoming trip to Richmond, Virginia, where I for one would like to see Leo get some goddamn one-on-one time.

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