Happy 3rd of July! Today I’m celebrating my patriotism (and day off) by judging hot people on television which is, after all, a great American past time. Deep down I know that this is what Lee Greenwood meant when he sang “I’m proud to be an American.” Fittingly, this week we’re treated to presidential impersonators, a “debate,” and a red hot Hillary Clinton pant suit that probably made Garrett shit his pants just a little.
Is anybody going to mention that this is the same place Arie went to get Lauren back after dumping Becca? No? Is she trying to do that thing where you casually run into your ex while out with a better looking guy? Lincoln and Chris get into a petty ass argument and I literally could not tell you what it was about. Lincoln comes at Chris for the fact that he used to be overweight I guess, but it’s pretty irrelevant since Chris no longer is, and told Lincoln about this himself. There are so many valid insults you could say to Chris and “You used to be fat” is pretty weak, especially given that Lincoln apparently poops on the floor. But I’m all for anything that makes Chris scream and makes the other guys do this:
Jason gets a one-on-one and he and Becca take a stroll through the rich history of Virginia. Jason’s like, “NO WAY Edgar Allen Poe’s MOM is buried RIGHT HERE?” Does anyone really know who Patrick Henry is outside of that one quote or is that just me?
Next they go to an “unhappy hour” where they all cheers to being fucking miserable. Looks like a typical Saturday night tbh. Jason says he doesn’t want to drink his cup of blood which is funny because he looks exactly like Dracula. He does some weird emo pilates dance and it’s a testament to how bizarre Bachelor dates are that this barely made me blink.
The two of them head to a bar where Becca has apparently flown all his friends from home to come see him? Wtf is this special treatment? Becca really likes a guy in a chunky cross necklace I suppose. Jason has one friend named Hawk and one that looks like a hotter, bulkier version of himself. Hawk and friends meet Becca for ten minutes and tell her that Jason is THE ONE and if she doesn’t pick him she’s a fucking dumb ass.
At dinner these two get real deep. Maybe it’s the goth cult they visited in the park, maybe it’s love. Becca talks about her dad which is a pretty BFD because she hasn’t talked about him that much with anyone else. Jason gets the rose and solidifies himself as this season’s dark horse.
Meanwhile Chris won’t shut up about how he’s going to come out of this victorious as if he’s playing a high school basketball game. His head’s in the game but his heart’s in the
song debate. Say redemption one more time. Anyway the guys are going to debate about how much they lurv Becca. I like it any time they give the men microphones because it will inevitably lead to them digging their own graves, but I would’ve chopped off my left foot to watch these men debate actual current events. Instead they answer easy ass questions about why they’re all soo great for Becca because…like, they have dogs, and like…she has a dog. Cool, Colton.
Abe Lincoln decides to take a liking to Lincoln, because a) they have the same name and b) he’s trying to act like Abraham Lincoln wasn’t actually a pretty big racist. But then, you know, Lincoln opens his mouth. Chris, who has just spent the last twenty minutes of the episode telling us he’s not going to focus on the other guys, immediately launches into a tirade about the other men and wow it is super uncomfortable! Despite Becca shooting him daggers from her seat, much like my mother when she thinks I’ve had too much to drink at a family function, Chris continues his bizarre rant about his hardships while the audience and Governor of Virginia just sit there unsure whether they’re supposed to clap.
Becca should’ve kept the pant suit on, but alas, she throws on 1,000 accessories and heads to the evening portion. You can tell she’s pissed aboot things when she starts letting the harsh Minnesota accent fly. Lincoln just makes up some shit about Chris which is just kind of funny at this point because sue me I like watching someone’s life spiral out of control.
Becca talks to Colton and asks him if it’s hard for him to be away from her after getting a one-on-one. He’s like “Nah” so obviously she gives him the rose. Ugh I’m already dreading having to listen to him talk on Paradise about how his feelings for Becca were genuine.
Leo finally has a date (yay!) which Becca chooses to use to discuss all the drama with the other men. Yes Becca we get it, your life is “hard” because you’re dating a bunch of man children and the producers wouldn’t let you send Chris home last week. Why don’t you try being stuck in a room all day with these psychos like Leo! Leo and Becs look like the before and after pics for a hair straightener.
Leo puts those locks up into beautiful man bun and they go oyster shucking because these are the things you do in Virginia. You’re either an oyster shucker, a teen vagrant, or George Washington.
Becca shows up to dinner in some Wet Seal lookin bullshit that somehow manages to incorporate sequins, mesh, and zebra print all in one garment. Becca looks like she’s trying reeeeally hard to listen to Leo’s daddy issues. She tells him he’s amazing and they go dance to some shitty country music in front of a crowd where Leo has to pretend he actually likes this garbage. In fact I’d imagine their opposing tastes in music are reminiscent of Wells and Ashley I on Paradise. #Hanson #NeverForget
At the house, Chris decides to put on his pointiest pair of shoes and go over to Becca’s. He is most definitely an angry elf. Chris tells us he wants to let her feel his passion. Did he name his dick Passion? Becca opens the door and looks like she wants to die so she’s like “haha I like your coat.”
Chris tells Becca he wants to marry her and Becca calmly points out the repeated issues she’s had with him. Chris responds, “I need you to not think about that anymore.” OH OK CHRIS, I guess we’ll all just turn off our brains so we don’t remember what a psychopath you are. Chris, “adversity” is a hardship that someone faces, it isn’t you being a petty bitch to everyone around you. Becca dumps him and he just sits there and stares at her for about fifteen minutes. Shocked that this man gets angry when dumped. “He’s not the guy I want in my life. Ever,” says Becca.
Lincoln unsurprisingly gets the boot and unfortunately so did Connor, who we’ve all been sleeping on. We’ll miss your overly un-buttoned shirts but you can take that cocky ass attitude about what she’s missing with ya on your way out.