This week, Becca brought her six remaining men to the Bahamas! Before we fully immerse ourselves in this authentic cultural experience, though, we need a quick flashback to last week in Richmond. I recently learned that the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to film an episode there and promote the “Virginia is for Lovers” tourism campaign. I know this has nothing to do with this week’s episode, but holy shit I just had to tell someone about that.
There will be three one-on-one dates and a group date in the Bahamas – and of course, Colton gets the first one-on-one. Becca cannot get enough of this beefcake. She is SO horned up for him. The first portion of their date consists of making out on a boat until “Action,” the Bahamanian seaman, shows up with a couple of snorkels. Turns out Becca and Colton are going to go diving for conches that have pretty obviously been planted directly underneath them in some shallow water. Now you see, they’re doing this because it’s a fun, traditional activity in the Bahamas. It couldn’t possibly be because Colton has chosen to abstain from sex thus far in his life, and as a result will be made to feel highly uncomfortable by all the conch/cock jokes they’re all making. After years of watching, sometimes we forget that this show is deeply cruel to its contestants.
Like I said, Becca is entirely unable to keep a pair of underwear dry around Colton. She is beyond obsessed with this guy. So when he finally reveals that he’s a virgin, she is visibly disappointed. I mean, she barely even tried to pretend like she was okay with it. I saw sheer devastation on that woman’s face. I have seen my fair share of virgin confessions on this show and I’ve never seen a lead handle it as poorly as Becca did. She literally had to excuse herself from the dinner!
It seems like Colton doesn’t have any serious religious conviction or anything, but that he wanted his first time to be with someone he was serious with, and he never really had a relationship where he felt comfortable having sex. Becca tries to dig around his previous relationship to find out if Olympic Gold Medalist Aly Raisman ever mounted that balance beam, but alas she did not. Colton is 26 and it seems like because of his career, time has just gotten away from him. At this point, he doesn’t want to lose his virginity in a random one-night stand, and that is highly understandable! On Becca’s end, I also get it – it could be very strange to get engaged to someone you’ve never had sex with, but that’s a function of the insanely rapid pace of this show, not a function of Colton’s choices. In a normal world, they could get to know each other for a few months, and have sex once he felt the requisite level of comfort and seriousness, and then get engaged and married years later! But lady, if you want to get a proposal a few weeks after meeting someone, you need to be prepared to take your suitor as they come. Or don’t come. Honestly, guys, I’m sorry. Anyway, Colton is pretty obviously not that into Becca anyway. Methinks he’ll be on the chopping block next week.
Garrett’s one-on-one is up next, and unlike Colton, he actually seems to be REAL into Becca. I shit on Garrett a lot, and I don’t regret any of it, because seriously, fuck each and every person who supports Donald Trump, but I really buy the chemistry between these two. Their island-hopping date goes well, he opens up more about his ex-wife, she gives him the rose, and they make out HARD in the ocean. I don’t have much more to add other than the fact that this dude is very likely going to end up engaged to Becca at the end of this.
After a great deal of freaking the fuck out, Blake gets the last one-on-one date of the week. Much like the Virginia tourism board, the Baha Men have paid ABC a fat sum of money to promote their new single. Yes, the Baha Men have a song that is not “Who Let the Dogs Out,” and we are expected to give a shit. This is just like when Smash Mouth came to my college homecoming concert and tried to play a full set when they knew full well what we wanted to hear, in part because drunk kids in the audience were shouting “Play Shrek!!!!!!!!!!!!” Come on Baha Men, don’t try to promote a new single. Bask in the eternal glory of your one hit wonder, which I can only imagine has made you rich for the rest of your natural lives.
Blake is feeling insecure about where he stands with Becca, so he seeks reassurance. She replies by telling him she empathizes with Arie for being in love with multiple people at once. Gurl!!!!! When they move into the dinner portion of the night, Blake reveals his family skeletons in a story that quite literally made me gasp out loud. His parents got divorced… when he was a sophomore in high school… because his mom was having an affair… with his HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHER AND BASKETBALL COACH. Holy fucking shit. And he lived in a small town! And he found out about it from someone outside of his family! That story will put hair on your chest. Poor kid! How the fuck do you show your face in high school after something like that? I most certainly hope he at least got a pity A+ in English class sophomore year.
Blake is sweet and I think he’s really genuinely into Becca. She says that she’s also falling in love with him, and wishes she could say it out loud, but I just don’t see it with them the same way I see it with Garrett. The caveat here is that I truly know nothing about any of these people and could be totally wrong on all fronts.
Next up is the three-on-one group date and everyone looks *miserable.*
I loved Leo this season and found him to be such a refreshingly normal presence, but he never stood a chance. He didn’t do anything wrong, but it just wasn’t going to happen, and it was right of Becca to get rid of him sooner rather than later.
It was a genuine toss-up between Wills and Jason. I absolutely love Wills and have been really struck by his maturity and poise this season. He seems like a good dude and he was clearly really, really into Becca. He was farther along in the “words of affirmation” category than Jason, but Jason has been our freakin’ dark horse for a while now. It was a particularly sad scene when Wills left, but I really hope he finds someone in Paradise. Becca is boring anyway, Willsy!
Plus, I’ll admit I knew Jason was going to make it to hometowns before the season even premiered, because I’m from Buffalo and my hometown newspaper was ALLLLLLLLLL OVER that date when they filmed in town. There’s not a lot going on in Buffalo, so that is what my hometown paper covers. Also, men eating sandwiches in their cars.
Anyway, I literally cannot wait to recap hometowns next week for you guys. Buffalo is the greatest city on planet earth and soon you will all agree.
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