The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

Hometowns week, y’all! Time to see our contestants’ dads in their best dri-fit polos, their moms with freshly done chunky highlights, and their surprisingly well-adjusted siblings.

Garrett is up first in his hometown of Manteca, CA. I needed to know more about this little Central Californian town, so like any scholar, I hopped on Wikipedia. I learned that the town was supposed to be named “Monteca,” but it was misprinted as “Manteca,” which is the Spanish word for lard, and the whole town just went with it. This explains a lot about Garrett.

His family owns an agricultural business, so of course he takes Becca for a ride on some farming equipment so she can give us the same “I think his tractor’s sexy” trope we got from Andi Dorfman and every single contestant on Chris Soules’ season. I wanted to see some hard-hitting questions about how Trump’s trade war is impacting the costs of his family’s business, but instead I settled for more trash-talking about Garrett’s ex-wife, who is not here to defend herself. This harpy was evidently the sole, exclusive cause of their divorce because Garrett has never done anything wrong ever in his life and is nothing but a victim in this situation. Becca does not attempt to unpack this further. Cool stuff!

Side note: why can’t Garrett speak? He fumbles through nearly every sentence he utters. He told Becca that the last girl he brought home was the girl he “got divorced to.” Hey Garrett, let me say this in a way you might understand. This is America, speak english! Might have to toss ya back over that wall!

Anyway, Garrett explains that problems arose in his last marriage once he moved in with his ex. Obviously, the next logical step is to become engaged to someone you have never lived, or even spent a weekend, with. Finally, they join his family for dinner. His parents are *mortified* when he toasts to falling in love with Becca, and remain a bit skeptical until they completely cave in a few minutes later. They were understandably guarded about their son rushing into another marriage, but Becca said she loves how positive Garrett is, so they’re convinced and it’s all good now. The date went well, (by normal Bachelorette standards, which are insane), and methinks Garrett remains the front-runner here.

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When you realize you’re gonna have to rent another fuckin’ Uhaul to move Garrett out after his impending second divorce.

Next up is JASON FROM BUFFALO!!!!!!!!! Obviously, this was the highlight of my week. Jason kicked things off by saying “I could talk until I’m blue in the face about what a special place this is to me,” which is highly relatable for any Buffalonian. They met up in Delaware Park, right near the spot where I used to get drunk with my friends in high school, and then headed to the Anchor Bar! Everyone knows that Anchor Bar doesn’t have the best wings in Buffalo, but they were literally invented there so I’ll allow it for a visiting tourist. Of course Buffalonians are perpetually incapable of acting like we’ve been here before, so a full crowd of people were inside the restaurant waiting to watch our fair bachelorette participate in a wing-eating contest. I think we can all agree that this is a universally awesome date activity, and Becca seemed to fit in pretty easily. As soon as she yelled out, “NO RANCH IN BUFFALO!” I knew she was one of us. To my non-Buffalo friends: yes, this is a thing. If you choose to dip your wings in ranch instead of bleu cheese, you’re a fucking communist. And don’t call them “Buffalo wings.” What’s wrong with you?

Next, Jason brought her to Harborcenter to play some hockey and MAKE OUT ON A MOTHERFUCKING ZAMBONI. Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. Wolf Blitzer, the Goo Goo Dolls, and Tim Russert could never represent Buffalo as well as Jason did last night. He should literally run for mayor.

They headed over to his family’s house, which isn’t really his family’s house. He’s from the burbs, so they used a random Elmwood Village home that was up for sale to stage a dinner with his family. They met his parents, who seem very weirded out by this whole situation, and his brother, who is by all accounts an adorable angel. He gave Jason some good advice to be more open with Becca about how he feels before it’s too late, which Jason followed. Overall, everything went really well AS THINGS TEND TO DO IN BUFFALO, and Jason did a great job repping our hometown! In true Buffalo fashion, he most certainly will not be winning this competition, but he’s easy to root for.

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Cruisin’ into Fantasy Suite week like

Up next is Blake. Last week Blake revealed to us that during his sophomore year of high school, his mother cheated on his father with his fucking English teacher and coach, and the entire community knew about it before he did. Well, this week he revealed that a shooter attacked his school during his senior year. Good lord, Blake. Homie has been through a fucking lot in his 29 years, and damn, my poor sweet Blakey child deserves love. Knowing all of this now, it’s going to feel especially awful if Becca ultimately picks Garrett (who famously liked social media posts about the Parkland students being crisis actors) over Blake (school shooting survivor). If Garrett is anything resembling a decent person, I sure hope he made a personal apology to Blake for his Instagram indiscretions.

Blake has moved from the very clearly delineated “falling in love” stage to the “in love” stage, and Becca claims the feelings are mutual. In addition to the love they share for each other, they share a love for Betty Who. I’m sorry, I mean Betty WHO? I don’t know what is going on here. This was weird. Everyone please stop thinking about the epidemic of school shootings plaguing this country! Listen to this Australian synth-pop artist!

Despite the divorce, Blake got the whole family under one roof for this hometown date. Apparently, his last break-up was also incredibly traumatizing, and I’m just wondering if we can get Blake away to like, a spa or a meditation retreat or some shit for a few weeks. The boy needs to be pampered. The date was heavy at times , but overall went really well, and I totally buy Blake’s feelings for Becca. These two are in a very strong place, but he strikes me as runner-up/next Bachelor material muuuuuch more than winner material. OKAY I JUST HAVE TO SAY THO!!! THE BLACK SHIRT AND RED BOWTIE COMBO AT THE ROSE CEREMONY WAS REALLY BAD. DON’T DO THAT SHIT AGAIN BLAKE. WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU.

Colton’s up next and Becca tells us there’s an “indescribable chemistry” between them. Becca, it’s not indescribable. It’s very describable. I will describe it for you right now. Colton is hot as fuck. That’s why you like him so much. Description over. He brings Becca to the children’s hospital and it’s EXTREMELY CUTE and I’m positive that Becca’s ovaries are exploding. She is, however,  finally exhibiting a little healthy skepticism about Colton, since he has very little dating experience and probably should not get married any time soon.

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Colton might be a virgin but he also just got me pregnant.

Colton forces Becca to meet eleven thousand of his family members. Becca spends a lot of time talking about Colton’s virginity for some reason, but ends up really winning over his mom. But his dad (who is serving up some Woody Harrelson realness, btw) is NOT HAVIN’ IT and basically tells Becca to pull the plug on this bullshit charade. He’s right, and she eventually does. But not before the gurlz return for no reason other than to bring the Tia drama back to the surface. ABC is up to some bullshit because we all know the girlfriends are never brought back after hometowns! If she still had feelings for Colton, Tia should have brought this up the first time they spoke about it, but clearly the producers realized half-way through this season that Tia and Colton were both going to end up on Paradise, so they needed to create this situation to make it all work.

I could not believe what I was seeing when Colton approached Chris Harrison to ask about what happens in the Fantasy Suite. COLTON. You know exactly what happens in the Fantasy Suite. No one can make you fuck if you don’t want to fuck! Apparently, though, someone CAN make you ask an insanely embarrassing question on TV for no good reason at all. Chris Harrison is smirking through this entire conversation and I just don’t even know what to say here. What did I just watch?

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Staring straight at the camera like some sort of sick, twisted Jim Halpert.

Luckily, he narrowly avoids having to confront his Fantasy Suite anxiety. Colton gets the boot, and two seconds later, ABC drops an ad telling Colton not to worry because Tia is waiting for him in Paradise. Well done, ABC.

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