The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 9

A couple of things I need to clarify right off the bat. Number one, Becca Jean has trash taste in men. (Idk her middle name but does Becca Jean not just sound right?) Jason was better than Blake or Garrett and no amount of his desperate returns or sad handwritten books will change that. Number two, I’m not watching The Proposal, it just came on and I haven’t turned off my TV yet. (Remember Christen-Scallops? Remember how you thought life couldn’t sink lower than being named Scallop Fingers? She came on The Proposal).

Becca and her boos are headed to Thailand, which I think is where Jojo closed out her season? Does ABC have a deal there? Or are they just embracing the dirt cheap tourism all my friends have? If I see one more Instagram of some girl from my sorority washing an elephant I’ll cut a bitch. (I’m jealous shh.)

Becca has finally found a way out of wearing dresses with sequins vomited all over them and that is with sporty date activities. Blake and Becca go to a Thai temple where…uh oh you guessed it no touchy no smoochy! This middle school ass ish. Becca’s like “We had to live in the moment.” That’s what people say when they can’t use their iphone for a day not when they can’t make out for twenty minutes. They should make all first bachelor dates have a no-kissing rule it would eliminate half of the contestants right off the bat.

They go soak in the culture by praying with some monks on a blanket while giggling their way through the sexual tension. “There’s something so old and cultural about interacting with a monk,” says Becca. The last time I interacted with a monk he tried to make me pay him $5 for a gold card with “Peace” written on it that he’d shoved in my hands on the STREET but w.e.

This process has aged Blake. I can see his wrinkle lines coming in as he worries about whether Becca blushes like this with Garrett. Seeing as how that’s an involuntary bodily function I’ma go with yeah. Becca relates to Blake’s fears with her past relationship with Arie. Idk Becca calling her and Arie a relationship sort of reminds me of myself calling a guy I hooked up with for a month my ex. Like yes technically you were engaged, but no.

Blake is freaking the fuck out. He’s like “IS SHE KISSING THEM IS SHE TOUCHING THEM?!” Nah Blake, I’m sure they just HANG…Blake tells Becca that he’s the type of guy that looks for a reason to stay, not a reason to go. And hot damn if that isn’t some beautiful shit I would’ve loved to put in my AIM profile before ever having so much as kissed a boy. This line seals the deal and Becca and Blake head to the fantasy suite.

Blake wakes up in the fantasy suite and worries about whether he will get to wake up next to Becca again, like some kind of WOMAN. I feel like if I were the Bachelorette I’d fuc all the guys in the fantasy suite and then they’d be gone by the next rose ceremony. Too real? Too much? My b.

Becca and Jason are walking around, doing the damn thing, eating crickets, when Becca suddenly freaks out because she made an offhand comment about liking a certain statue in their future fake apartment? Me thinks Becca had a lil bout of diarrhea from the Thai street food and pretended to have second thoughts about Jason as a distraction.

But alas, at dinner, Becca’s gastrointestinal distress has not alleviated, and she decides to send Jason home. But first she does that thing where she says she’s not really totally sure, just to leave the poor sap in a puddle of self doubt and confusion with no clear answer or closure on her feelings for him. Who can blame a guy for falling into the producer trap of returning after that goodbye? Jason honey, don’t beg for it. You’re better than this.

Becca cries and cries because she just feels so bad and she is literally doing what Arie did to her to Jason. Sweet baby child, unless you proposed to Jason and then continued your engagement to him for months while secretly talking to someone else behind his back and then dumped him on national television with a ten person camera crew, you are not Arie. Don’t say such things.

Becca and Garrett go rafting and oops! It just slipped the minds of the entire production crew that it’s a Thai holiday and there will be a shit ton of people there! Do they really expect us to believe that their multi million dollar production just “goofs” on things like this?

The other people on the river play a fun game of “Splash The Xenophobe” and Garrett gets wrecked while Becca just tans on the back of the raft. She’s like “don’t you wanna move to Thailand babe?” Garrett’s like…”Yeah. Totally. I’d love to live in a country that isn’t America where white people are a minority.”

At dinner we hear Garrett express, for what seems like the first time, a fear that his second engagement/wedding will fail like his first. Not an unreasonable fear there Garrett. He also tells Becca that he runs things through his head a million times to make sure they come out 100% right when he says them. Boy, if the sentences that come out of Garrett’s mouth are the polished version I do not want to hear the rough draft! They get the fantasy card and I’m starting to think maybe Chris H. does write these because that handwriting has not changed in a decade.

Becca wakes up in the fantasy suite with Garrett and she is over the moon. Her eyes practically twinkle from all the wonderful things Garrett said about her and all the mediocre sex they had. Girl, you had one chance off-camera to double check that your soon to be fiance isn’t a raging misogynist and ya done missed it. She loves Garrett and she loves Blake, so I guess it’s just standard protocol to “love” the last two now.

Jaaay. Suhhhn. Yes we all wish you were still here instead of Garrett but that doesn’t mean you should come back. Remember when your friend would insist that she needed to meet up with her ex for lunch for “closure?” This is that level of unnecessary. But Jason keeps it as classy as one can while rehashing the break up/hoping they’ll get taken back and says he’ll always root for Becca’s happiness which is just….

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It’s almost par for the course now to send the third home early and have the rose ceremony with just two. I think it just makes it that much more of a throw down the gauntlet vibe for the last two. She’s like are you guys ready to meet my family? Garrett’s like “No I’m excited,” Blake’s like “ME TOO CAN’T WAIT.” This is not exciting and you should both be shivering in your boots and I hope the ghost of Becca’s father returns to smite your bland republican asses. C ya next week!

 

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