The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

No matter how shitty a season of The Bachelorette is, the Men Tell All episode will always be lit. It’s a comforting constant in an ever-changing world. The Old Faithful of the reality TV universe.

Before we get to the men on stage, it’s also worth mentioning who was absent from the show last night – the two most controversial figures of this season. Of course Garrett wasn’t there, because he’s still a contestant on the show, but this conveniently allows him to avoid any confrontation about his cute lil sosh meeds scandal. I do wonder if it will come up at all on After the Final Rose, though. We were also missing Lincoln, who was “not invited” to participate after recent revelations about his convictions for indecent assault and battery. It’s still very unclear to me how the ABC background check could have failed to catch this. The charges were still pending and occurred in the very recent past! Whatever they’re doing, it’s not enough. Either that or they don’t care at all about the safety risk their cast members may pose on set. Cool beans!

We were also treated to a trailer for the new season of Bachelor in Paradise! There is a LOT going on this season and I cannot effing wait. It seems like Grocery Store Joe will find lurv with Kendall, which I think is a pretty good match-up, although of course, he would be happier with me. (More on GSJ later. I am obsessed with this person.) David and Jordan will continue their feud, this time over a woman named Jenna, who I do not remember at all from Arie’s season. Shoshanna is accused of witchcraft until she cries, which feels like a shitty reincarnation of the mean-spirited “scallop fingers” bullying session from last season. Tia is in a love triangle with Colton and CHRIS? WHY? Chris got the opportunity to redeem himself a little on MTA but he is still horrible and fugly. I don’t know what the hell Tia is up to, but methinks Colton will ultimately prevail in that competition. It also looks like a TON of old Bachelor/ette folks will be back for some reason – Ben Higgins makes an appearance in a mariachi outfit, Fuckin’ Robby is back again looking weirder than ever, and then a bunch of people who are already in relationships were also featured. I’m not sure what they’re doing on the show, but there must be some reason for all of Batch Naysh’s heaviest hitters to show up. Raven is there even though she’s still going strong with Adam, Arie and Lauren invited themselves to the party, Ashley and Jared, Evan and Carly, even Jade and Tanner joined the fun, apparently unconcerned that baby Emmy will contract hepatitis on that dirty, defiled beach. This seems like it’s going to be a great season, which we deserve after last summer’s Demario/Corinne disaster, not to mention holding our collective noses through Arie’s and Becca’s boring-ass seasons. We have earned this sexy beach drama!

Now that our administrative business has been handled, the men may, at last, tell all. Each man was introduced and I couldn’t help but notice that Jason got the biggest applause (#JasonForBachelor). Chris Harrison gave us a fun recap montage of the major dramas of the season and then everyone dove immediately into fighting. It was so great.

First up to be attacked was Chris, who deserves to be attacked cause he sucks. To his credit, he doesn’t really fight back or make any excuses, but he still sucks. Jean Blanc is the next man to face the mob, and he does not handle it as well. Colton is giving him the business about the psychotic way he told Becca he loved her, only to take it back mere minutes later, and Jean Blanc claps back by making a super gross ad hominem attack on Colton’s virginity. Not cool, Jean Blanc! Colton is definitely hurt, and replies by calling him “disingenuine.” Guys. GUYS! If I have to hear one more contestant on this show use that made-up word, I will go insane. I am begging someone, anyone, to explain to the cast that this is absolutely not a word.

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Jordan’s up next for the pile-on. Colton yells at him too, cause Colton loves yelling at errybody. Lots of people saying “keep my name out of your mouth!” and “why is my name in your mouth?!” and more stuff about mouths. Then Jordan calls everyone holograms for some reason. Honestly, Jordan started out shaky, and I wasn’t a huge fan of him throughout the season, but once he caught his stride he did really well last night. He rightfully called Colton out for obviously being there for Tia, but resisted the cheap attacks on his virginity. In fact, he commended Colton for living his values! Jordan definitely peaked when Kamil and Christian, two absolute fucking randos, tried to attack him. They ended up embarrassing themselves and had zero good points to make. It’s pretty easy to make a valid argument against Jordan, but they flailed and he destroyed them with ease. The whole ordeal ended with Jordan yelling “fuck you, fuck you, Colton you’re a bitch, Nick and Connor you’re cool, Grocery Store Joe what’s up?” It was genuinely hilarious and I think I’m rooting for Jordan now.

Next up in the hot seat: the man who captured the heart of Bachelor Nation after only one night in the mansion. It’s none other than Grocery Store Joe. You’ll recall that I’ve been a Joe stan since night one, but Jesus H. Christ he took my breath away on MTA last night. First of all, I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s one of the top five hottest men that have ever been on this show. Don’t @ me. His teeth should be on display in a goddamn museum. He also has a winning combination of a deeeeeeep Chicago accent with a Joe Pesci-esque cadence. Chris Harrison tries all of his usual tricks to get Joe to respond in a traditional contestant fashion, spilling their guts and repeating romantic platitudes, but nothing works. He basically just shrugs and replies with the very reasonable response that he doesn’t actually know Chris Harrison very well and therefore sees no reason to open up about his deepest hopes and dreams. Well, I’ll be damned but I don’t think anyone has ever thought of it that way before. This is an excellent human being and I cannot wait to see him shine in Paradise. I want him to be on my TV screen 100000% more often.

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Everything, Joe. We want to know literally everything.

Wills is next, followed by Colton. Not much to discuss with either of these fellas. They both had sad departures, and they’ll both be in Paradise this summer. My only comments are that Wills was dressed impeccably as always, Colton’s blazer over t-shirt look is getting real tired, and I thoroughly enjoyed Colton’s virginity talk. He was giving me anti-toxic masculinity realness and I appreciated it. Now, I wish we could just leave it alone and stop making him talk about it. This is almost certainly not going to happen.

Finally, Jason takes the hot seat and we are forced to endure a lengthy make-out montage because smooching skills are now a core element of Jason’s brand, I guess. All I have to say is that if he is not the next Bachelor, I am planning a national protest march in D.C. with satellite marches across the nation.

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I know the hair needs work but America needs a Buffalo Bachelor!

Then Chris Harrison gives us those six magic words – “Don’t go anywhere, we’ve got BLOOPERS!” Oh man, I could watch a full hour of these dudes falling down and bumping their noggins on light fixtures. What a delicious indulgence. See ya next week for the finale!

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