Guess who’s back…back again? Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. (Mom if you’re reading this that is a lyric from a 2002 Eminem song. No, Eminem is not cool again, my references are just that outdated.) Anyway I might just keep going with song lyrics because after a 2+ year hiatus, I’m not sure that I know how to write Bachelor recaps anymore (if I ever did). But hopefully it’s like riding a bike. A stationary bike that is going nowhere.
Anyway, enough about me! Let’s get to the real deal, the Best Friend of Tyler Cameron, the First Black Bachelor, MJ (but not the real MJ)…Matt James!
Matt seems anxious to be carrying this prestigious title on this prestigious show, which is cute, but I’m also realizing how long it’s been since we’ve had a Bachelor who wasn’t previously part of the franchise. FRESH MEAT! It must be intimidating as hell, but then again IDK if people as hot as Matt get intimidated like us regular folk. The last instances that ABC selected more “random” picks for Bachelor were Arie and Juan Pablo. It’s a low bar, and I feel like Matt can jump it. Especially with that body.
Next up we get some intros of the women where they try to demonstrate their many facets within the four walls of their hotel rooms. We meet Abigail who was born completely deaf and hears with the help of a cochlear implant, Magi, who emigrated from Ethiopia to pursue pharmaceutical studies, and Anna who is “actually like, a caffeine fiend.” Somebody call the press, we have a white girl who likes Starbucks!!!
Since Matt has never been on this show, he asks Chris Harrison if he can pull him aside for a super impromptu spontaneous chat I’M SURE. Matt discusses the heightened pressure and expectations he feels placed upon him as the first Black bachelor, particularly in picking the “right” person. I like any moment where race is even acknowledged on this show, but I question the notion that Chris Harrison is the person with advice on how to be the first Black bachelor or navigate interracial relationships.
Before the limo entrances, Matt seems to be 50% into this, 50% dead in the eyes. After three regulation hotties step out of the limo in a row, he is IN. We get a lot of slinky dresses that are as clingy as the women on this show are portrayed, a fun amount of green, and of course, the sequins show up. These girls are strutting their stuff, especially with that long ass staircase into the Nemacolin Castle Resort. Is anyone else a little homesick for La Quinta? Just me?
Matt appears to be pretty nervous during the meet & greets, and seems to have one of two reactions. One is some iteration of “You look great,” the other is an overly boisterous laugh at a gimmick that wasn’t that funny. Let’s delve into some of the worst/notable moments off the limos…
Someone whose name I won’t bother to recall tries to Lady and the Tramp him. Perhaps this is a move better left in pre-Covid times. Matt also hates it.
Someone throws a giant fish at him? ABC decided not to give us any context on that one so that’s how much that contestant matters. I’m gonna go ahead and assume it was something to the effect of Matt being “a great catch.” Yawn.
“You have been found guilty of being incredibly fine!” This is not fine. I am not fine.
Serena is a flight attendant, which based on prior evidence is an ideal career for a bachelor contestant. She also falls up the stairs. Is she drunk? Like the flight attendant from The Flight Attendant? I wish I were watching that show rn instead of this one.
Saneh tells Matt he is the GOAT and to prove it she is wearing goat slippers. I liked this because those slippers were ugly enough to actually be embarrassing but also not overly distracting from the fact that she’s still super hot.
Kaili shows up in lingerie. Alas, why are they always from Chicago? Did the thrill of escaping Chicago weather inspire your decision to not wear any clothes, Kaili? Ignore me Kaili, I’m just a hater because I’ve been eating like a bear on its way to hibernation and the idea of donning lingerie in public rn gives me hives.
Katie brings a vibrator. It was a move that could have gone very well or very poorly. Matt thinks it’s hysterical, or just laughs uncomfortably around sex toys. Let’s hope it’s the former. How realistic looking was this vibrator that it had to be black boxed? Someone else asks Matt if he’d like her balls in his mouth before pulling out the largest meatball I have ever witnessed. Ladies, this is a good Christian man!!!!
Matt mispronounces “gesture” as “guess-ture” and while that is something I would normally ridicule someone for, I too, particularly struggle with this word and its pronunciation. I think that game “Guesstures” really fucked me up. Even though I’ve never actually played it.
Kit is like the girl from Queen’s Gambit, if she were annoying. And no, I’m not going to take the time to lighten this screenshot I took, sue me.
Victoria, “like the queen,” enters the scene, wasted, and proves once again that you don’t have to be the prettiest girl in the room to get a rose, just the biggest mess. Guys…I still have a shot.
After all the entrances, several of which just seemed to be people showing up independently in random cars, Matt leads the group, not in a toast, but in a prayer. My group text was divided on this, and by that I mean that all my friends loved it and I hated it. Like you just met these women with probably different religious views than you and we’re already bringing a prayer circle into it? Separation of Church and Bachelor Nation.
Whatever, now that I’ve brought my own distrust of organized religion into this recap, let’s move on to the scintillating conversations where we learn Matt’s favorite animal (it’s a panda).
Yikes, a woman discussing the natural disasters that have devastated her home and her family is pretty much the worst time to insert your dildo…into the conversation. That being said, Mari is annoying so I don’t particularly mind that this situation is “pressureful” for her. Let’s discuss this vibrator – used? washed? The people need to know. Wash your vibrator if you’re gonna be bringing it around. No, better yet, spring for a fresh one. Also RIP to the actual contestant named “MJ” who got less air time than the vibrator she now shares a name with.
Say what you will about Victoria, but without her we would’ve gone our whole lives without hearing these conversational gems:
“I’m like the best fire hose so I’ll make a good drink for you.”
Victoria: What do you do?
Sydney: I do marketing
Victoria: So market yourself to Matt
I mean…is she wrong? Victoria is ready to be the villain, and for the millionth time and the millionth season, they’re letting her. If she’s talking to Matt so much, go interrupt her! That being said, there’s a type of villain that can make it close to the end…and Victoria ain’t it. I give her four episodes tops and mark my words I will relish every one.
Our first impression rose contestants are shown with their alone time back to back. I thought Bri had it (and the season) in the bag, but Abigail steps up to the plate and knocks it outta the park, taking the win for first kiss and FIR.
Whether it was the copious amount of cocktails or the cameras fading into his peripheral, Matt definitely loosened up as the night went on and seemed genuinely GEEKED to give out those roses. Can’t wait to watch these children screw it all up. Yes, I can call them children now because I’m officially older than most of the contestants on this show. It’s a sad day, but I’m hoping if Clare can be the Oldest Bachelorette in History at 39, by the time I’m 50 the range will have expanded so much I can still go on the show. OK, hold up, emailing ABC to pitch a show like Bachelor in Paradise but OG, middle-aged contestants who are all divorced from their first picks. I mean, we’re on Season 25, the first bachelor should be nearing 50 and Nick Viall can’t be far behind.
Regardless, I’ll never be too old for judging people I don’t know whilst drinking, so join us as we recap this season and perhaps beyond! (If there’s an overabundance of parentheticals, it’s probably me – sorry)!