Last night’s episode began with the aftermath of Sarah’s departure. And the remaining women, led by Victoria, are still being vicious. I totally understood why they were annoyed at first – Sarah kept interrupting their very precious and limited time and totally fucked the vibe of that group date. But they went way too far last week, and now it’s clear that they still aren’t done. Victoria calls Sarah trash, which confirms my suspicion that Victoria doesn’t own a mirror, but she’s far from the only one responsible this pile-on. MJ, Kit, Anna, and others are eager to participate and shouldn’t be let off the hook for this intense and unnecessary bullying.
Katie, seemingly the only normal person on this show, tries to put an end to it. Her point is entirely reasonable – Sarah is gone now, let it the fuck go. Of course Victoria isn’t going to let Katie have the last word here and demands an apology. Katie tells her she’s being gratuitously mean, to which Victoria replies “I can do whatever I want, and I can express myself with name-calling when I choose to.” LOL okay. I always find it funny when someone criticizes someone else’s speech, and the person replies, “I can say whatever I want.” Well, sure you can, but so can the person who is criticizing you. So, uh… yeah! Anyway, Victoria then goes on to imply that Katie isn’t ready for an engagement because she has a vibrator, which is quite a hot take, but our sex-positive icon Katie ain’t having it. The conversation ends with Victoria saying “I’m not being a bitch. I think you’re a bitch,” which is obviously a not-at-all bitchy thing to say, so I’m really glad she cleared that up for us.
Meanwhile on the group date, Chelsea earns the rose by opening up to Matt. It was quite notable to see a black woman discussing the politics of black hair with a black male lead on this show. Of course, the contrast between this high-minded conversation and the dumbassery of the other bitches fell into sharp relief pretty quickly, but I enjoyed the moment while it lasted and was glad she got the rose. She really does look hot as fuck with that shaved head.
I truly hate to talk about Victoria this much, but I actually laugh out loud every time Matt has some one-on-one time with her and has to pretend like he still likes her. It’s extremely clear why she’s still here. Victoria is a producer’s wet dream. These MFs definitely sit in the control room rubbing their hands together like Mr. Burns, laughing maniacally as they plan out all the dumb shit they can get Victoria to do. But Matt has to keep up the illusion, resulting in hilarious moments like the one we got last night, where Victoria says “Yeah, and like, I just think we would be a good match,” to which Matt replies, “…..agreed” and immediately gets up to end the conversation. It was just so painful and contrived and SIMPLE. I would say I feel sorry for Matt, but he’s getting so many hot-lady-smooches that I’m not exactly gonna shed a tear for him.
Chris Harrison interrupts to spring five new women on Matt. Apparently, like the rest of us, The Bachelor producers have been watching too much Love Island during quarantine, and are recreating a half-assed Casa Amor situation here at the Bachelor Mansion. The women in the house have no idea what’s going on, so they use this opportunity to shit on Sarah even more, believing that she must be coming back. Instead, the new women arrive in limos, one by one. Admittedly, I missed most of the limo entrances cause I was pooping, but when I returned I could tell that Brittany and Michelle were probably gonna the only ones who mattered. Four out of the five end up getting roses, and I gotta say, may God bless and protect the chick who flew out to Nemacolin to quarantine for three full weeks, put on a dress and makeup, and promptly become a distant memory of the collective #BachNaysh mind. I hope those Instagram endorsement deals still come through.
After the rose ceremony, we have another group date featuring Mari, Bri, Abigail, Brittany, Ryan, Catalina, Magi, Anna, and Victoria. My God, there are still so many fucking women. We really need to be dumping a lot more of them, and yet somehow we are STILL ADDING MORE. Also, Ben Higgins took a break from his packed podcasting schedule to design an autumnal-themed physical challenge for the ladies, for some reason. Honestly, am I on mushrooms? None of this makes sense. At least if I was on mushrooms I might find this entertaining. Congrats to Ben Higgins on delivering something that was random and nonsensical but somehow also entirely joyless. That tracks. Mari won the challenge, Magi floated away, IDK it was all just weird.
The major drama between Anna and Brittany arises at the group date cocktail party. Actually, scratch that. It’s unfair to call it “drama between Anna and Brittany” when really it was “Anna rudely spreading an unsubstantiated rumor about someone she doesn’t know for no reason.” Apparently, Brittany hangs out with rich men, so Anna told everyone she’s an escort. Cool stuff! Brittany is justifiably horrified that this is happening to her the second she walks in the door, but the ringleaders do not seem poised to do any self-reflection here. The best any of the girls can say about it is that the rumor is false. Okay, but what if it wasn’t? It would still be deeply fucked up to spread someone’s very personal business all over national television when they’ve done nothing to earn your ire. Dear readers, let me offer you some advice. If you hear a rumor that a girl from your hometown has engaged in sex work, follow these steps exactly and in correct order: 1. Keep your mouth shut. 2. Mind your business. 3. Worry about yourself.
Next up, one of the new girls, Michelle, gets a one-on-one date. Predictably, the women are livid. What else is new, tbh. These hoes stay mad. I didn’t think much of Michelle on her first night, but she absolutely crushed this date and quickly became a serious contender. She got an excellent edit by the producers, who clearly want the audience to like her. I was impressed by Michelle for a few reasons – she’s low-key a little jacked, she’s a teacher, she brought up the achievement gap and quoted Maya Angelou, and she completed the zipline without saying some trite-ass-bullshit about how she was really scared but Matt’s presence inspired her to face her fears. I also found it very relatable and funny when she said to Matt, “You are a tall man in a hot air balloon.” Girl, yes he fuckin’ is.
This episode was truly bizarre, as we flashed from a discussion of how western beauty standards privilege white features, to Victoria LITERALLY calling someone a “slore,” to classic American literary quotations, to Serena P. getting punched in the face. The show really wants to be woke but just can’t fight its slut-shaming roots.
Do I really have to recap the boxing date? There were so many dates this week. There are still so many women. Please, we’re on episode 4. Narrow it the fuck down. I’m tired. Two quick notes before I blow it off – they found another excuse for Matt to get shirtless, and this time it involved him working out by lifting a bunch of tree logs in the woods. Also, I’m SO excited that Mia St. John showed up to teach the girls how to box! Yes, we all know who she is!! Household name Mia St. John, wow! I can’t believe they booked her for the show! To reiterate, we all totally know her because she is so famous!
The episode ends with our heroine, Katie, informing Matt of the bullying going on in the house. Usually, it sucks when one of the women snitches to the lead about drama occurring in the house, but this time it was entirely warranted. Matt seems to be taking it seriously and I’m looking forward to him confronting these bitches about it next week. Until then, enjoy Victoria’s exclusive interview on Good Morning America. The devil works hard, but Victoria’s publicist works harder.