The Bachelor Season 25: Episode 5 Recap

The only Varsity Squad I’ve ever been a part of is the OPRF Huskies’ Girls Badminton team (as a junior, it’s not a big deal guys). We all got into a BIG fight in the 2010 season while designing our Varsity T-shirts. Some of us saw the shirt as a blank page for our best shuttlecock related puns, while others didn’t want their parents to see a tee in the laundry that said “We’ll smash it in your back alley.” Then wash your own shirt, Leah! Or take it to the cleaners in secret like I did with my puke-stained Homecoming dress!

Anyway that was my long-winded way of saying that my Varsity team of 16-year-old ‘mintoners was still less embarrassing than this Bachelor squad. Ya’ll really served it up on a silver platter for your own trolls, referring to yourselves by a high school related nickname after being called high school mean girls.

Prior to Matt’s speech stating his zero tolerance policy for “toxicity” (that’s your drinking game buzzword for the night), MJ tells Anna that she “did the right thing” by announcing on national TV that a woman she doesn’t know is an escort. Huh? Are you guys involved in some kind of Escort Watch organization? It’s okay though, because MJ is going to close out the episode with a nice bookend to this moment. Her arc is truly poetic. Wait, sorry, what’s the opposite of an arc, where you just stay exactly the same and have zero development or growth as a person? Is MJ a line? A straight, no heartbeat detected, flatline?

Anna immediately knows she’s in deep shit. She then vacillates between admitting she made a huge mistake and also denying any wrongdoing. There’s moments where she mentions the rumor as an unfortunate incident that just happened to happen, there was no stopping it! I also think it’s worth noting that she didn’t seem to feel particularly bad about it until she was scolded. Alright now that I, the obvious moral authority of Bachelor Nation, have scolded her, I’m gonna give Anna a break because she was the only one of our “mean girls” who didn’t double down on her actions this episode. I do believe a situation like this can bring out the worst in anyone, especially if you let your guard down. And while I don’t love how she kind of made herself into the victim and never seemed to acknowledge the effect her actions had on Brittany…she went home. Somehow before Victoria.

My morning ritual

In the aftermath of Anna’s departure, all of the women wisely distance themselves from the ousted party faster than Senate Republicans. “Oh my god,” Victoria laughs, “remember when I said you were a giant skank and ripped an accessory out of your hair? Wasn’t that funny?!” This is the same woman who has repeatedly ensured us that her *best* quality is that she’s “real.” I’m not even sure that’s a personality trait, much less a positive one, but also, you’re not. Matt hears someone bring up Victoria’s name and is positively hyped that he finally has a reason to get this virus out of the house. That’s right Victoria, you are not even a “toxic” bacterial infection you are straight up COVID-19. You’re contagious and you are ruining my fucking life.

Before the rose ceremony, Victoria decides to curse my eardrums one more time by embarking on a vocal fry journey that will forever haunt my dreams. “I will literally diiie,” she tells a producer. I’m not holding my breath. Victoria is utterly incensed that another woman, Ryan, would have the nerve to bring her name up in a conversation with Matt. Victoria did this…night two, was it? She tells Matt that her calling a woman she isn’t friends with a hoe because of her profession as a dancer was clearly taken out of context, as very unambiguous phrases like this always are. Matt finally “takes out the trash,” and eliminates Victoria, along with like 12 other women. Victoria cannot believe that Katie got a rose instead of her because “Katie is disgusting. Are you blind?” Bitch, are you????

Honestly her classiest look to date

Victoria says that she spoke her truth and she is proud of herself. She yells at Matt who stands there and says nothing, which ends up being kind of a power move. Does saying nothing while someone yells at you like this always work to automatically make them look that much more petty and foolish? Ugh, I love saying things so much more than not saying things though.

Anyway it’s a new dawn, a new day, and Rachael has a QAnon. Sorry, I mean a one-on-one. Listen, I don’t believe everything I see on Tiktok, but I also don’t trust anyone who can pull off a middle part that well. Rachael gets the best date of the season, which is where you get a bunch of free shit and make the other women want to die inside. I made a note about Kit’s face when she saw Rachael’s shoes and quickly typed “Lou Buttons.” Which sounds like a great name for the cat I’ll adopt in 5 years, and also tells you how far away I am in life from owning a pair.

Rachael then gets a dress to wear for the evening, delivered Pretty Woman style. The women’s reactions to this date makes me think they might not find the escort life so abhorrent after all. Matt and Rachael talk about…uh…? What do they talk about? Oh right, Rachael has self doubt and is scared to be vulnerable. This I guess is revolutionary because Rachael is really hot and still has insecurities. They make out in a horse drawn carriage and suddenly Matt is also falling in love with her. Excuse me, did I miss something? Did Rachael even use the L-word? Because I just heard a lot of talk of butterflies. Also she has never been in love so if she did that’s a convenient first time to feel it.

The Bach producers chuckle to themselves. “Get this…we give one woman the Cinderella date, and we make the rest of the women roll around on a farm in their expensive winter wear…they’ll never see it coming!” We’ve done this, but okay. Future Bachelor contestants, if you’re ever on a group date and you hear the word “country,” beware. This is not a Z-list private concert! You are either a) on a Chris Soules reboot season and the apocalypse is nigh, or b) shoveling manure. Either way, run!

This date is weird and Matt is feeling frisky. One minute he is doing an egg toss with MJ. She is afraid of chickens, or, spoiler alert, just likes attention. Matt laughs because MJ gets hit with a raw egg. It is so funny the only thing to do is run into the barn and start making out with Pieper who is mid-interview. Pieper do be lookin that good sometimes. In the evening, Chelsea tells Matt she’s awkward around boys. Just keep chugging that Sauvi B girl, I do it every time and look at me now, I am still so single. Abigail gives us a very brief respite from the pettiness of this ep and gets the rose, right before Matt tells MJ that someone in the house called her an antagonist. MJ says she is harmonious and peaceful but also tells us to get our popcorn. I am so surprised that this hair stylist from Ohio loves drama.

MJ sits down and demands that the other women tell her who brought her up because she wants to get everything out in the open. She will definitely be cool, calm, and collected with whoever it was. Jessenia (who quickly goes from “Who?” to “Who is she?”) tells MJ that Matt asked her about the house environment and she told him that MJ had dubbed the new women the “JV Team.” MJ starts ranting and raving about how she “leads by example.” Right, so…you gave the new women a catty nickname and everyone followed suit. I guess I agree. It sounds like MJ’s third grade teacher gave the class a speech about “leading by example” and it really resonated with her, because she says it about 200 more times.

Yesterday I found 3 gray hairs. Today I thought Rachael’s sweater was accidentally ripped. Tomorrow I will ask her if she paid extra for the holes.

Meanwhile, Kit goes on a date I guess, although it seems like one-on-ones this season can be either a whole day affair or 90 minutes long. They bake cookies which makes Kit cry because she and her mom baked cookies once when they were playing “middle-class in the suburbs.”

No one:

Kit: This crazy life of mine! Gold Bentleys, Red Carpets, the blinding lights of the paparazzi!

Uh, Kit, idk if your butlers informed you, but we’re about a year into a global pandemic. Read the room. Kit goes into a monologue that I feel like I already watched earlier this episode. She explains that sometimes she ~puts up a wall~ but if you put in the effort she will ~break down those walls~ and you can ~get to know her.~ She is 21 and hasn’t found the love of her life and we’re supposed to be floored, I guess.

The producers Matt summons MJ and Jessenia to a pre-rose ceremony trial by combat, because we all loved it so much on Tayshia’s season. MJ tells Jessenia that she should be embarrassed that they are here and shouts at her to please stop shouting. Knowing she has the fan support looks good on Jessenia, because she is positively glowing. MJ keeps talking to tell Jessenia not to talk to her. No more contacting, please. Thanks. Appreciate.

See you next week! In the mean time please sign my petition to replace MJ with a stop motion animated character that is just Katie’s vibrator with googly eyes.

Sorry

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