Last night’s episode picked up right where last week’s cliffhanger left off, with Jessenia and MJ making their cases to Matt. I don’t envy Matt; this is really tough. I mean, who to believe? Jessenia, who calmly and concisely explains her position? Or MJ, who snaps her fingers in a Z formation? I gotta say, the trajectory of MJ has been wild. I was really taken by her cool clothes and hair! Turns out she’s just a big ol’ dummy, and her vernacular and mannerisms are uhhhh….. borderline offensive for a white woman from the Cleveland suburbs. I guess this is only further confirmation that I am not a good judge of character. Trust me when I say I did not require further confirmation of this fact.
Matt can pretty quickly tell what’s up here. He sends MJ packing, and Jessenia gets a rose for her efforts. She returns to the group looking quite pleased with herself, and most of the women seem thrilled to be rid of MJ. The fun doesn’t last very long, though. The non-front-runners are shouting in a damn chorus about how they absolutely NEED this cocktail party time to reinforce their weak-ass relationships with Matt before he makes any crucial rose ceremony decisions. This is, of course, Chris Harrison’s queue to come in and tell them all that the cocktail party ain’t happenin’ bitches! We simply love to see a classic Bachelor trope employed this shamelessly.
Serena C.’s relationship with Matt is… well, dookie, so she’s looking for anyone to blame but herself. She attacks Katie for bringing up the obvious problems in the house, claiming that these “antics” are the reason she hasn’t gotten enough time to endear herself to Matt. In Serena C.’s mind, the incessant bullying wasn’t the problem, the problem was the person trying to call it out. This has serious “Actually, Congresswoman, it’s divisive to suggest that the insurrectionists should be held accountable” energy, and no one was here for it. Over on the other side of the resort, Ryan is having an absolute blubbering MELTDOWN about the cocktail party cancellation. I don’t mean to judge (I do), but I don’t think I’ve sobbed that hard in my fuckin’ life. And I’m quite the sobber! I really couldn’t believe how hard this hit her…. Ryan, honey, who hurt you? Predictably, she gets sent home. Womp womp. Magi also goes home. Farewell Magi, you seemed tight and we barely got to know ya. Brittany also gets sent home. Sorry you came all the way here just to get labeled “the escort chick” and then get sent packing within two weeks. See you in Paradise, bbgirl.
Pieper has the first one-on-one date this week. She and Matt sport matching t-necks to a whole ass carnival in the middle of the woods! Dream date. Pieper is boring but pretty, just like our lead, so she does great! She says she’s in love and gets rewarded for that big whopping lie with a rose. Really not much else to say here. The group date was a bowling competition and it looked super fun. I really miss bowling, guys! I wanna put my fingers into those lil’ bowling ball Covid-holes and then immediately use them to put food into my mouth. Precious memories of the before times. Once the ladies were split into teams and forced to compete for the chance to finish the date, they weirdly got very good at bowling. We were damn near approaching this level of bowling excellence. Matt sends the losing team home before calling them right back because he felt bad. The winning team is visibly seething, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that Matt will do all of the producers’ bidding, in ways big and small. Any nifty idea they have for terrorizing the women with constantly-changing expectations and emotional instability will be acceded to. These women need to unionize.
Katie gets the second one-on-one and the writing is on the wall from the start. They’ve already shown us a preview of someone’s suitcase getting taken away, and there was a suspicious amount of footage of the girls discussing their doubts about Katie returning with a rose. This whole date was a set-up for Katie to get booted – it was specifically designed to be light and silly, which opens up the excuse for Matt to suddenly realize he only sees Katie as a friend. As expected, Katie does not get a rose. It’s cool though. We got some shirtless Tyler action for our trouble, and this way, Katie will have all the time she needs to prepare for her upcoming Bachelorette season.
Sprinkled throughout the episode, we’ve been treated to some truly unhinged Heather content. For those unaware, Heather from Colton’s season is here, you know, for reasons. This episode in particular felt like its plot came directly from a “Common Bachelor Tropes” bingo board. First we had a crucial cancelled cocktail party, then a date featuring a live performance by a D-List band looking for free publicity, and now the random return of an old contestant! The old contestant always claims they just felt so compelled to meet the lead after hearing about them from a friend or watching them on TV. This is Bachelor canon! Because this happens nearly every season, Chris Harrison has had plenty of chances to brush up on his acting chops and pretend to be just *so* surprised. The producers are giving Heather a downright batshit edit, so it doesn’t appear that this is going to end well for her. When she finally shows up at the mansion after driving herself there (lol), the women are fucking INCENSED. They have suffered enough! What fresh hell will next week bring? Stay tuned to find out!