I know this blog is supposed to be for recaps, but it’s quickly becoming a place for me to just list my complaints about this stupid ass TV show. This entire season has been mind-numbingly boring, but I thought hometowns could offer a brief reprieve from the snoozefest that is Matt James. No such luck! This was the least eventful hometowns week I’ve ever seen. No dads with goatees and dry-fit polos scolding the lead for dating multiple women, no wine-chugging moms, no vaguely threatening brothers in the corner. It felt like we barely got to see the families interact with each other, and while some spoke of general concerns they had about the speed of the process, no one offered any real pushback. I guess I just wanted to see Matt get ruined by someone’s fat step-dad because frankly, I’m tired of his ass.
I also barely feel like I know the final four. Perhaps this is because just last week, we literally still had eleven women in the house. Now, admittedly, I’m not a professional television producer or editor, but I believe they do have some on staff for this show. Now, hear me out guys – this is just one layman’s opinion, but it feels like the pacing might be just a tad less than ideal here. Maybe we should reconsider the decision to start night one with THIRTY-TWO women, and then add five more women two weeks in, and then add one more a few weeks after that. We have seen thirty-eight contestants throughout this season! Not only is this just plain absurd, but it also means we never really get to know the final women all that well. Usually, by the time hometowns roll around, a few front-runners have had multiple one-on-ones and a ton of screentime. But lately, the urge to keep adding bitches to the hoe-tation seems to be irresistible. Honestly, it sucks! I want to like this show! I wanna be invested in the final four and have favorites who I root for. I’m gonna offer the Bachelor staff the same advice I offered one Marty Scorcese when he was working on The Irishman – TRIM THE FAT.
Anyway, due to the indefinite continuation of ✧. 🎀 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈𝑒 𝓊𝓃𝓅𝓇𝑒𝒸𝑒𝒹𝑒𝓃𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒𝓈 🎀 .✧, the families are all at Nemacolin rather than in their hometowns. First up is Michelle, who takes Matt on a bike ride before meeting her folks. Nothing terribly notable here, just a cute lil’ bike ride for two people in matching outfits. We find out after the credits roll that Matt actually fell off his bike, because for some reason they only want to show us funny and humanizing moments once most people have already turned the TV off.
Michelle also brought Matt to her dystopian Zoom classroom, which was a sweet moment. Not sure I would want to see my teacher smoochin’ on a dating show but still, I’ll be earnest for a minute and say I did enjoy the kids’ questions. The children are our future and all that. Her family was also adorable – her mom was sinking buckets and her parents are clearly very sweet and in love. They alluded to a rough breakup in Michelle’s recent past, but of course we know next to nothing about her life, past dating history, family, etc., because we spent the last seven episodes fucking around with doomed and irrelevant contestants. I would like to know more about this breakup and how on earth Michelle is so ready for an engagement after heartbreak! Don’t trust these men, Michelle! Ignoring my advice, she tells Matt she’s falling in love with him, and she’s happy to get a mere *smile* in return. Big yikes. More on this later.
Rachael is up next. Michelle got bike rides and Rachael gets sky diving? What does this have to do with her hometown? Truly no idea. It really did look like so much fun until Rachael crashed face first into the earth going 3,000 mph! That shit looked like it HURTED. I would like to think somewhere in heaven, the ghosts of abolitionists are laughing at our lil’ plantation princess breaking her face. I also had to laugh at this bitch getting a full-on glam session after the crash. These MFs really tried to pass it off seamlessly, like Rachael just happened to maintain her shiny ass hair and wingtip liner after getting absolutely pummeled by Mother Earth.
Rachael’s family wasn’t particularly interesting. They seemed the least skeptical about the whole situation, which is good for Matt because he’s clearly gonna end up choosing her. I swear I haven’t read any spoilies but I mean, come on. The other girls are just now telling Matt they’re falling for him, and he’s not saying it in return. Meanwhile, Rachael said it weeks ago, he said it back immediately and without hesitation, and he’s already talking about asking for her dad’s blessing, an issue that conspicuously did not arise with the other families. Putting aside the awful misogyny that entails (OKAY BUT ARE WE REALLY STILL ASKING FOR DADS’ BLESSINGS IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2021), it’s also a clear giveaway that Matt’s relationship with Rachael is way farther along than the others. I see many Notes App apologies in your future, Matthew.
Bri is up next! She takes Matt off-roading in a Jeep, which looked super fun. I want to do this. How can I do this? If any of you reading this wanna invite me to go off-roading in a Jeep, please hmu. I’m a great time. Bri’s mom quickly becomes the star of the episode. She absolutely roasted Matt as soon as he sat down, which was well deserved, and her baby was just hilariously miserable the whole time. I liked this little fam! In a private conversation with her mom, Bri is deciding whether or not to tell Matt she’s moving past the “I can see myself falling for you” to the “I’m falling for you” stage, but isn’t quite at the full-on “I’m in love with you” stage (real Bachelor Nation citizens know that these delineations are very important, and must be followed in a strict order). Her mom gives her some advice to be honest and vulnerable about her feelings, followed by the most beautiful assurance – “worst case scenario, we’re mending a broken heart together.” I don’t know why I’m crying in the club right now….. Bri’s mom, adopt me!!!!!!! No offense to my real mom if she’s reading this. Bri does ultimately tell Matt how she feels and he replies with a big, fat, whopping, “Thank you for sharing that.” My friends, I would simply die. But really, am I supposed to believe there’s any way he chooses her after that? He’s busting at the seams to propose to Rachael and Bri gets a “Thx 4 sharin!!!” The suspense just might kill me.
Serena P. is last in more ways than one! It was boring so I’ll make this brief. I did enjoy parts of the Canada trivia and Matt being bad at hockey, but that poutine looked fuckin’ gross. The rest of Serena’s hometown date consisted of her telling anyone who would listen that she is absolutely not trying to get engaged to Matt in two weeks. After the date, Matt knows something is wrong and goes to visit her. She pretty immediately calls it off and heads home, leaving three roses for three women. The rose ceremony goes on anyway, because the ladies have already prepared their lewks, and dang, they are stunnniiiiinnngggg. That backless turtleneck on Bri was truly delish and Rachael was giving me JoJo Fletcher realness with that royal blue number. Michelle gets the first rose, then Rachael, then Bri. That final rose combined with Matt’s tepid response to her confession of love cannot be sitting well with Bri. She quit her dream job for this man! My ass would be headed straight back to my room, where I’d take a bottle of Chardonnay for a spin and see what ZipRecruiter has to offer.
Looks like a whole lotta tears next week. See you then!