Welcome back to another recap of the Bachelor Season 25, where I will inevitably complain that the episode either had too much producer-manufactured drama or was as boring as my current social life. (No disrespect to my parents and our Saturday night Boggle game). This week it’s the latter – the Tell Alls really just aren’t the same without a live studio audience. How am I supposed to know when to feel shocked if I don’t hear the gasps of 100 middle-aged white ladies? I feel so lost.
Since there’s no viewer applause-o-meter, they also elect not to individually introduce all the women present, which would have been helpful considering there were 5,000 contestants this season. Like, where is Sarah? Remember Sarah? Is she helping G-Eazy fill that hole inside of him with money, girls, and cars? Also, did anyone else notice the back of this blonde head that doesn’t belong to any of the contestants shown? I think they really made Heather be a seat filler. I’m worried about her. I think she may be under an Ariel/Ursula The Sea Witch type contract where she’ll finally find true love but only if they get to make a mockery of her and her first born child on national TV.
Now that some of the women have had months to be told they’re terrible people, we can re-hash the tired drama, starting with MJ/Jessenia. Jessenia is truly wearing that hot pink jumpsuit in the jewel-tones contestant section, while MJ somehow also looks amazing in an extremely ruched tan number in the poop-brown section. MJ tells us that she did admit what she said to Matt, and apologized, which we were never shown, so now I just feel tricked and used. If she squashed it with Matt, though, I’m confused why I had to spend an entire episode watching MJ yell about character like a deranged motivational speaker. Mari butts in to say that you can’t call MJ fake because Mari was her roommate and therefore no one else can have a different opinion of her. She I guess elects herself as the moral arbiter of the season, which excuse me, I thought was my job. Back the fuck up, Mari.
Next up is Victoria, and no surprise, her apology needs some work. Ryan evenly and honestly states that she was offended by Victoria’s comment about professional dancers being hoes. Victoria is like “No, but just curious, do you consider yourself a super sensitive little bitch?” Victoria has received death threats and comments about her puffy eyes, and she feels absolutely nothing, so if Ryan is offended by anything less, that’s her problem. She also wants us to feel sorry for her because people keep talking about her bra straps showing. Girl, that’s just stating straight up facts? You made a choice, and the people noticed.
Victoria does apologize to Katie, with the caveat that “we’re all getting backlash,” as if there’s no difference in their Instagram comments sections. Katie accepts and it seems like it’s water under the bridge, until she decides to throw in one last word that anyone receiving hate online is getting their karma. The women do not care for this, and come for Katie. I do understand that if you saw the house as a generally harmonious environment, it might be annoying to you to have Katie telling Matt it’s toxic and full of bullies. Hence the ensuing argument about whether calling someone a bully is bullying (really). Just because it wasn’t a hostile environment to you, doesn’t mean it wasn’t to others. Speaking of which, noticeably quiet are the “JV Squad,” who at this point are probably just trying to escape this mess without meeting Brittany’s fate of forever being “the escort girl.” #FreeBrittany and #FreeBritney.
Speaking of, Brittany finally gets the chance to say something beyond the four words of “I’m not an escort.” She explains how the whole ordeal has affected her and yet also uses her time to defend sex workers from stigma! All season I kept waiting for someone (anyone!) to say, “Hey, even if she was an escort it doesn’t mean she’s any less deserving of a doomed televised relationship than the rest of us!” And this responsibility certainly didn’t fall to Brittany. But she done took it up anyway!
Anna says she’s truly very sorry, but explains that she just got so many messages from people in her small town of Chicago. You’ve probably never heard of it, it’s the third most populous city in America. I do believe that Anna probably runs in a pretty close-knit and small community of Chi-town, which I’ll call “Creepy Men With Boats & Hot Girls Who Hang Out On Their Boats.” I made a woman I bartended with take me once and am still waiting on an invite back.
Then, we’re shown all the footage that we missed to watch one hour of Heather in a minivan. One is a date where the women have to reach for engagement rings out of a box containing some kind of disgusting worm or bug. I am here for this! Make them eat it! Make this entire show Fear Factor instead! We’re also shown a missing segment from the “Betches Love Fall (And So Does Ben Higgins)” date, where these size XXS women try to eat a lot of thicc pancakes and chug a beer. None of them can chug a beer! It’s great! We could’ve axed Catalina from the show and seen this instead! I bet you didn’t even know there was an added contestant named Catalina! Then they play Sardines in the woods and erroneously call it Hide and Seek, and Kit can’t find them for a minute. I’m not mad I missed this cheap ass date, but again confused, because you guys decided that these dates weren’t interesting enough to show us at first, but now here you are showing them to us. Which is it?!
Abigail is in the hot seat and we’re again show the devastating relationship that never was. Remember the ear signal? I forgot about the ear signal! Matt apparently did too, along with Abigail as a whole person! Abigail talks about how she was born completely deaf but because she can hear with her cochlear implant she doesn’t sign, which means she’s not part of the capital D Deaf community. I don’t wanna overstate my knowledge on this subject, but my roommate and I did spend a night binge watching the first season of Deaf U, which is like Laguna Beach at a university for deaf students. Chris Harrison highlights some of the supportive messages Abigail has received from the deaf community to remind us that not everyone on the internet is scum. Just most of us.
Chris calls Pieper’s exit “shocking” and here I was forgetting that Pieper made it to final five. She says she’s happy with her experience and left with a better vocabulary for speaking about her feelings, which is a genuine first for this show. I think every time I watch an ep a synonym for “amazing” or “journey” just floats out of my head, lost for eternity.
Serena P. comes up and Chris Harrison acts like if she didn’t leave she’d have been the one. He was really thinking it, and she was really thinking it, and literally no one at home was thinking it. Serena P. says she had to leave because after two dates with him and three other women still on the show she couldn’t be 110% sure that he was the one. Get these crazy Canadians and their wise considerations outta here! Dumb Americans who believe in soulmates only plz.
Matt enters and the women whisper-scream “James Hardin!” Matt is very nice to everyone, nicer than necessary, except to Abigail who he is kind of cold to??? Anyone else or is my Abigail bias showing again? She thanks Matt for the experience, saying she had only good things to say about their relationship and she hopes he feels the same. Matt responds with “I appreciate that.” This response is the Women Tell All equivalent of texting a single “K.” Tell me I’m wrong. Serena C. tells Matt she hopes after watching her be a giant bitch on television he doesn’t think less of her. Matt says, “Who am I to judge? I’ve never been a contestant on this show.” Uhmm Matt that’s literally all the rest of us watching do!! Please don’t make me feel bad about it, judging people on television is all I have left! Victoria, after screaming at Matt on the way out, has the gall to play the victim and call Matt the bad guy for making a comment that she should “self-reflect.” Victoria…that’s probably the nicest thing anyone has said about you in the past three months, maybe take it as a win. Victoria wants everyone to understand that she has “levels of pain,” but is still unwilling to understand that other humans have feelings too.
We’re treated to a montage of Matt kissing with his eyes open which is not really a treat at all. I had an ex that did this, because he “liked to watch” and listen I’m not saying he’s a serial killer, but I’m also not saying he’s not. (And when HBO knocks on my door to get an interview about their new docu-series “The Kiss-Watching Killer” I will absolutely be participating.) Then we have the bloopers which have been hyped up all episode and are mostly…you guessed it…women screaming at bugs. There’s also some Hot-Ones-esque event with Tayshia, Jojo, and Matt which WTF WHY DIDN’T WE SEE IT? You can’t show us bloopers of footage we never saw that’s not how bloopers work!! Anyway, this all just makes me wonder if we could’ve gotten an entirely different season/narrative with the footage left on the cutting room floor.
That’s it for now! If you like this blog, please like, comment, share, and/or subscribe! Over the past five years we have made over $8.00 and we’re really shooting for an even 10! You can get a pretty solid pair of leggings for that on Amazon. I will cut them in half and send one leg to my co-writer and keep one for myself because that’s partnership BB!