It’s time to dim those lights, instruct Alexa to play some D’Angelo slow jams, and scrub your genitals till they sparkle. Dearest reader, it’s Fantasy Suite week.
Before we can get to the *~*intimate times*~* Matt has some childhood trauma to address. Talk about a creative foreplay idea! Matt believes that his estranged relationship with his father has held him back in his romantic life and rendered him unable to commit. With an engagement quickly approaching, Matt has decided that one (1) conversation with his father will resolve this lifelong issue. It starts off… really ugly. Matt’s dad was seriously defensive and resisted taking any responsibility for being an extremely shitty father. He starts off by telling Matt that he had it worse than him because his dad was killed. Wow, helpful! He then blames Matt’s mom for leaving him, and when Matt confronts him with the clear and justified reasons for her leaving, he basically gets a pobody’s nerfect! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ in response. It seemed pretty obvious to me that his dad knows exactly how wrong he was and just tried to shift the blame onto anyone but himself out of pure defensiveness. Can’t turn a fuckboy into a father, I guess.
After this initial reaction, though, he actually kind of came around! Matt stood his ground and his dad ended up taking some responsibility and owning up to causing a lot of pain. Clearly, this wasn’t enough to label the issue resolved, but there seemed to be a pretty genuine breakthrough here. Matt ends the conversation by telling his dad that even though they lost out on a lot of time together, they still have a lot of life left to live and that he wants him in his future kids’ lives. They hugged it out and tbh it was kind of a moving moment and I might have been crying and singing “Cats in the Cradle” to myself but that’s none of your business.
With that difficult conversation out of the way, Matt has concluded that he is NOT doomed to be like his philandering father, and THAT is why he will be spending the next three consecutive nights boning three differing women. Michelle’s up first, let’s get it!
Matt takes Michelle to a “traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa.” Okay! I immediately developed some serious issues with this date. First, they were mashing their feet around in some oatmeal-looking substance and it was making the most unpleasant noise, and then they started rubbing each other with BUTTER! Did anyone even consult Michelle before this date to ensure that her skin type could handle that level of oil? I would immediately break out if anyone came near me with that much butter. I can only pray my girl had some Mario Badescu A.H.A. Botanical Body Soap on hand to ward off the inevitable bacne.
They continued their date with a nice conversation about “staying in love” like Michelle’s lovely parents who have been married for over 30 years. Michelle reminds Matt that he still has as much to bring to the table as she does, despite having a decidedly different family life, which was so kind and validating as to almost feel out of place on a show like this. Michelle is an absolute gem and is the only contestant I’ve seen offer real, articulable reasons why she loves Matt. Of course she is not going to win.
Beautiful Princess Bri is up next. Their final date is only vaguely described as camping, and Bri asks no follow-up questions despite being very confused about whether or not she’s stuck sleeping outdoors tonight. The whole ruse was weird and underdeveloped. It was supposed to be some sort of joke/surprise that Matt didn’t actually know how to pitch a tent? It all just ended up fizzling out and they just gave up on it and made their way to the Fantasy Suites. It sucks that this was the first episode where the women got some real screen time, because I genuinely enjoyed learning more about both Matt and Bri through this date. She’s absurdly beautiful, shares a ton of formative life experiences with Matt, and even cracks a funny dick joke! Of course she is not going to win.
*Side note* Can we address the casting calls for elderly singles that are happening after commercial breaks? What is going on here? Is there a Geriatric Bachelor series in the works? Is Clare Crawley going to be a contestant?
Finally, it’s Rachael’s turn. The girl has been absolutely losing her mind thinking about Matt making sweet sweet nookie to Michelle and Bri on their overnight dates. By the time she gets her chance, her mental health is worse shape than the Confederate Army at the Battle of Appomattox Court House. She arrives at her date and almost immediately tells Matt this has been the hardest week of her life. He completely ignores her and forces her inside. He really, REALLY should have addressed this, especially considering there was going to be a third party on their date, preventing them from having the conversation inside. Rachael was sending him the clearest possible signals that she needed to talk to him in private, and he just glossed right over it all. I have to admit that I really related to Rachael in this moment as a fellow passive-aggressive white girl who loudly sighs at her boyfriend and then says “nothing” when he asks what’s wrong. Ultimately the tension was too much to handle and she called for a sidebar, but I guess it was all worth it because Matt just straight up tells her he’s in love with her. Why is this allowed? I am so confused.
The rose ceremony follows and Michelle gets the first rose as an attempt to counteract the fact that Matt has basically already told us all that Rachael is going to win. Admittedly, I forgot to take notes for the last fifteen minutes of the show because I was high and playing an interior design phone game. Sorry! Can’t wait for the finale!