It’s time to dim those lights, instruct Alexa to play some D’Angelo slow jams, and scrub your genitals till they sparkle. Dearest reader, it’s Fantasy Suite week. Before we can get to the *~*intimate times*~* Matt has some childhood trauma to address. Talk about a creative foreplay idea! Matt believes that his estranged relationship with…
Welcome back to another recap of the Bachelor Season 25, where I will inevitably complain that the episode either had too much producer-manufactured drama or was as boring as my current social life. (No disrespect to my parents and our Saturday night Boggle game). This week it’s the latter – the Tell Alls really just…
I know this blog is supposed to be for recaps, but it’s quickly becoming a place for me to just list my complaints about this stupid ass TV show. This entire season has been mind-numbingly boring, but I thought hometowns could offer a brief reprieve from the snoozefest that is Matt James. No such luck!…
This season of the Bachelor has really pulled the old bait n’ switch. The producers pulled up to us on the sidewalk in a white unmarked van and were like, “Hey, want this candy?! Come on in!” (The candy being the first Black bachelor, a more diverse cast, and poignant conversations on polarizing but important…
Last night’s episode picked up right where last week’s cliffhanger left off, with Jessenia and MJ making their cases to Matt. I don’t envy Matt; this is really tough. I mean, who to believe? Jessenia, who calmly and concisely explains her position? Or MJ, who snaps her fingers in a Z formation? I gotta say,…
The only Varsity Squad I’ve ever been a part of is the OPRF Huskies’ Girls Badminton team (as a junior, it’s not a big deal guys). We all got into a BIG fight in the 2010 season while designing our Varsity T-shirts. Some of us saw the shirt as a blank page for our best…
Last night’s episode began with the aftermath of Sarah’s departure. And the remaining women, led by Victoria, are still being vicious. I totally understood why they were annoyed at first – Sarah kept interrupting their very precious and limited time and totally fucked the vibe of that group date. But they went way too far…
Well my, that escalated quickly! In just one episode our hero becomes the villain, Vibrator Girl steps up as the beacon of empathy and kindness, and I discover that Chris Harrison published a grocery store romance novel five years ago and I’m just hearing about it now. So much to unpack. And then repack when…
You guys! This is my first recap in like, two years! I’ve missed you, my sweet, sweet Bachelor Babies. Admittedly, Becca’s garbage season broke me and I took a long hiatus from this brain-smoothing television franchise I love so much. But with Matt being a completely fresh Bachelor with no tie to a previous season…
Guess who’s back…back again? Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. (Mom if you’re reading this that is a lyric from a 2002 Eminem song. No, Eminem is not cool again, my references are just that outdated.) Anyway I might just keep going with song lyrics because after a 2+ year hiatus, I’m…
No matter how shitty a season of The Bachelorette is, the Men Tell All episode will always be lit. It’s a comforting constant in an ever-changing world. The Old Faithful of the reality TV universe. Before we get to the men on stage, it’s also worth mentioning who was absent from the show last night…
A couple of things I need to clarify right off the bat. Number one, Becca Jean has trash taste in men. (Idk her middle name but does Becca Jean not just sound right?) Jason was better than Blake or Garrett and no amount of his desperate returns or sad handwritten books will change that. Number…
Hometowns week, y’all! Time to see our contestants’ dads in their best dri-fit polos, their moms with freshly done chunky highlights, and their surprisingly well-adjusted siblings. Garrett is up first in his hometown of Manteca, CA. I needed to know more about this little Central Californian town, so like any scholar, I hopped on Wikipedia.…
This week, Becca brought her six remaining men to the Bahamas! Before we fully immerse ourselves in this authentic cultural experience, though, we need a quick flashback to last week in Richmond. I recently learned that the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to film an episode there and promote the “Virginia is for Lovers”…
Happy 3rd of July! Today I’m celebrating my patriotism (and day off) by judging hot people on television which is, after all, a great American past time. Deep down I know that this is what Lee Greenwood meant when he sang “I’m proud to be an American.” Fittingly, this week we’re treated to presidential impersonators,…
Sorry we missed last week but the thing is that we don’t actually owe you shit! ANYWAY, this week was highly illuminating – I actually feel like I got a better idea of who these men are and I started developing some clear favorites. Turns out a lot of them are trash, though! As if…
If the brutal separation of screaming children from their terrified asylum-seeking parents isn’t enough to make you hate Donald J. Trump, surely his habitual interruptions of The Bachelorette will do the trick. Seriously, motherfucker, interrupt my broadcast one more goddamn time and…… well, I’ll angrily blog about you to my meager following of readers. Hillary…
Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…
Y’all ready for another season of formulaic emotional manipulation? Let’s do the damn thing! Remember how awful the ending of last season was? And how we all started to question how we could watch something so exploitative and humiliating? Well, ABC really heard our feedback. It’s clear that they understand that they went too far…
Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…
Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap this SOB. Kendall is somehow in final four and I…
Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…
WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened…
Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up.…
I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience…
Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself. We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a…
The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney. So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season…
I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will…
You guys. This was the finale! We’re done! This is spring semester senior year and I am phoning it in. How much of this feature length film of an episode could I have skipped if we didn’t recap things I’ve already watched and preview things I’m about to watch? Chris Harrison approaches the “couples” to…
With the departure of Kristina, things are a little intense on the beach………..for everyone but Dean, who is now free to fingerbang D.Lo in the pool as much as he wants! The other couples are in pretty good shape too, which means it’s time for a new arrival to ruin everything. Cue Jaimi! You see,…
