You guys! This is my first recap in like, two years! I’ve missed you, my sweet, sweet Bachelor Babies. Admittedly, Becca’s garbage season broke me and I took a long hiatus from this brain-smoothing television franchise I love so much. But with Matt being a completely fresh Bachelor with no tie to a previous season…
Guess who’s back…back again? Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. (Mom if you’re reading this that is a lyric from a 2002 Eminem song. No, Eminem is not cool again, my references are just that outdated.) Anyway I might just keep going with song lyrics because after a 2+ year hiatus, I’m…
No matter how shitty a season of The Bachelorette is, the Men Tell All episode will always be lit. It’s a comforting constant in an ever-changing world. The Old Faithful of the reality TV universe. Before we get to the men on stage, it’s also worth mentioning who was absent from the show last night…
Hometowns week, y’all! Time to see our contestants’ dads in their best dri-fit polos, their moms with freshly done chunky highlights, and their surprisingly well-adjusted siblings. Garrett is up first in his hometown of Manteca, CA. I needed to know more about this little Central Californian town, so like any scholar, I hopped on Wikipedia.…
This week, Becca brought her six remaining men to the Bahamas! Before we fully immerse ourselves in this authentic cultural experience, though, we need a quick flashback to last week in Richmond. I recently learned that the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to film an episode there and promote the “Virginia is for Lovers”…
Happy 3rd of July! Today I’m celebrating my patriotism (and day off) by judging hot people on television which is, after all, a great American past time. Deep down I know that this is what Lee Greenwood meant when he sang “I’m proud to be an American.” Fittingly, this week we’re treated to presidential impersonators,…
Sorry we missed last week but the thing is that we don’t actually owe you shit! ANYWAY, this week was highly illuminating – I actually feel like I got a better idea of who these men are and I started developing some clear favorites. Turns out a lot of them are trash, though! As if…
If the brutal separation of screaming children from their terrified asylum-seeking parents isn’t enough to make you hate Donald J. Trump, surely his habitual interruptions of The Bachelorette will do the trick. Seriously, motherfucker, interrupt my broadcast one more goddamn time and…… well, I’ll angrily blog about you to my meager following of readers. Hillary…
Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…
Y’all ready for another season of formulaic emotional manipulation? Let’s do the damn thing! Remember how awful the ending of last season was? And how we all started to question how we could watch something so exploitative and humiliating? Well, ABC really heard our feedback. It’s clear that they understand that they went too far…
Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…
Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap this SOB. Kendall is somehow in final four and I…
Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…
WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened…
Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up.…
I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience…
Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself. We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a…
The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney. So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season…
I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will…
With the departure of Kristina, things are a little intense on the beach………..for everyone but Dean, who is now free to fingerbang D.Lo in the pool as much as he wants! The other couples are in pretty good shape too, which means it’s time for a new arrival to ruin everything. Cue Jaimi! You see,…
Damn, are we about ready to call it? These episodes are making me, a viewer, stir-crazy, and I’m not the one stuck on a fifty foot beach with a man who nicknamed himself “tickle monster.” Maybe it’s that after the shut down there were only ten days to film. Maybe it’s the complete 180 of…
Back in Paradise, Christen is apparently “in on the joke” about eating shellfish with her hands, we STILL are not seeing a rose ceremony, and Daniel has arrived. Lacey is SO excited to see Daniel, like definitely more excited than anyone has ever been to see Daniel in his life. She calls him “witty” and…
Tonight in Purgatory, we watch a newcomer get bullied for eating seafood with her fingers, which is different I guess. We watch approximately seventeen different “love triangles” NOT unfold because these trash men can’t make a decision to save their lives. And we learn that even our dearest Wells can’t make us like puppets. At…
The whole two-episodes-per-week thing is really taking a toll on me y’all. It’s too much TV! My D&H partner wrote the recap last night and did not make nearly enough of a big deal over Tr*mp interrupting the episode. Fuck that guy. I swear to God, he terrorizes me all day every day. All I…
Last night on Bachelor In Paradise, Trump interrupted my DVR recording (making this recap extra late) and too-pure-for-this-world Kristina had her heart broken by one of our faves Lil Deanie Baby.* What is left to live for? *Side note: I literally just got that Deanie Baby is a play on Beanie Baby and am now…
Last weekend, I was doing some shopping at my favorite affordable and ethical grocery chain, Trader Joe’s. A man passed me wearing a button-down shirt with none of the buttons fastened, exposing his entire chest to his fellow shoppers. It was weird but I moved on. As I reached for one of my favorite signature…
The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…
It’s a week before the finale and the men have officially told all! Our faves and least faves returned to the stage last night for a serious airing of grievances, now with 100% more racial tension! Chris Harrison introduced each man individually, which is always fun because some of them get booed and some get…
Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit.…
This season’s hometowns episode featured a converted Sikh man banging a gong and a borderline psychopathic Cuban mother threatening to murder our Bachelorette. Let’s. Get. Into. It. Eric’s hometown is up first and……….YOU GUYS……..I fucking love Eric. Rachel meets him in Baltimore and he shows her around the city a bit. Eric has this really…
