The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

This week, we return to find our heroine, Rachel, accompanied by her pack of hunky dum-dums in South Carolina. Lee is stirring up drama like a giant bitch, while Rachel ignores him to canoodle on a boat with Bryan and live her best dang life. It’s crazy that we’re still in the middle of the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4

It really feels like forever since the show has been on! I definitely forgot where we left off, and was bummed when I was reminded that it was with Lee being a fuckstick. I really, really hate him and I hate that this fight has been characterized as some sort of mutual drama, when it’s…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights. Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her…

The Bachelorette Recap Week 2: Case of the Ex

As soon as I saw “The Girlfriend” in the episode previews, I knew the culprit had to be Demario because I have an uncanny almost psychic ability to accidentally draft the villain in my fantasy league. (My number one picks for the past three seasons were Clint, Chad, and Demario). Apparently my shitty taste in…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

We are back for another season! The 13th season of The Bachelorette premiered last night and we made it through an entire episode without Chris Harrison calling it “the most dramatic season ever,” so maybe this season truly is about progress. In the preview for the full season, a few things are clear: they tried…

The Bachelor Recap: Barely-an-Episode 9

Um excuse me? A one hour episode? What was with this weirdly long Raven date? I don’t even get to see the aftermath of Nick not giving her an orgasm? And a 3 hour episode next week? Damn it ABC you have no regard for my schedule! ~Surprise visitor~ Andi shows up. We get a…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

SORRY WE MISSED LAST WEEK! Frreal sorry guys. We used to trade off between the two of us every week for recaps, but I’ve been out of commission due to law school, so my D&H partner has been picking up the slack and doing recaps every single week. It’s actually a shit load of work (feel…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE! Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

There are a few things in this life that I have very little patience for. One is old men I don’t know telling me to smile. Two is women who pee on the toilet seat in public restrooms (I literally don’t understand what you’re doing wrong) and three is Bachelor episodes that don’t end IN…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 7

For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans. Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Picking back up where yesterday left off, Jared can “definitely see himself falling in love with Caila,” who he met yesterday, but I’m just out here like EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE PRINCESS ASHLEY IS BACK. Unfortunately, Ashley I., who we’re still calling Ashley I. even though there is no other Ashley around, is…

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Premiere

Shhhhh! Quiet! I’m trying to listen. What’s that sound I hear? *~*Almost paradise, we’re knockin’ on heaven’s door!*~* Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes FUCK YES BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, at this point, the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette shows have gotten so predictable and boring that Bachelor in Paradise is…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

Usually I try to stay sober for these recaps, so as not to pass out on my keyboard, but three hours of fuckboys calls for a glass of wine or seven, and it’s the finale so yolo I’ll do me. Ernest Hemingway was a drunk after all. Yes, I’m comparing myself, an unpaid writer of…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

This week was the Men Tell All, or more aptly, the Boys Tell All, because everyone was acting like a little whiney bitch boy. The only men here are Chris Harrison and Wells. Chad doesn’t count as man or boy because Chad transcends categorization. These BOYS prove they have learned nothing from watching the season…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 9

This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her remaining men continue to perpetuate classic male and female stereotypes. The men tell her everything she wants to hear in order to get laid, while Jojo drowns Thailand in a sea of her tears. Can someone get this girl some Xanax? What amazes me about this season…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Is it already time for hometowns again?   We kick off this *~*amazing journey*~* in Highlands Ranch, CO, which is a far ass suburb of Denver. Our old friend Plate is chillin’ on a mountain, as one does in Colorado, I guess. We soon learn that he’s insecure about coming from a divorced family and…

Dumb Shit Celebrities Did

Welcome all to Dumb Shit Celebrities Did, where we judge, rant, and debate about the trivial comings and goings of rich, pretty people. 90% of our personal text thread does this anyway, so we figured we’d kill two birds with one stone and blog it! If you think this all sounds vapid, irrelevant, stupid, and…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 7

Last week I closed my recap with this line: “Somehow, though, Alex is still pissing and moaning. SHUT UP.” TBQH, I’d like to open with that same line this week. In the opening scene, Alex is still complaining even though he made it through the last rose ceremony by the grace of fucking God and got…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

Well, JoJo and her merry band of idiots have left the wonders of southwestern Pennsylvania for Buenos Aires, Argentina! Or as the contestants refer to it, “Bennos Ayeras.” Since they’re in a latin country, they have dressed JoJo in a red dress and forced the guys to say “I can’t think of a better place…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 5

Wow ABC, you’ve dealt me some low blows over the years in the way of super hype trailers that lead to very not hype episodes but this has got to be your worst offense. Here I was, popcorn ready for the chad-pocalypse and literally nothing happened. I am going to hunt down the promo editors…