Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Episode 3

Last night on Bachelor In Paradise, Trump interrupted my DVR recording (making this recap extra late) and too-pure-for-this-world Kristina had her heart broken by one of our faves Lil Deanie Baby.* What is left to live for? *Side note: I literally just got that Deanie Baby is a play on Beanie Baby and am now…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

It’s a week before the finale and the men have officially told all! Our faves and least faves returned to the stage last night for a serious airing of grievances, now with 100% more racial tension! Chris Harrison introduced each man individually, which is always fun because some of them get booed and some get…

The Bachelorette: Episode 9

Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit.…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

This season’s hometowns episode featured a converted Sikh man banging a gong and a borderline psychopathic Cuban mother threatening to murder our Bachelorette. Let’s. Get. Into. It. Eric’s hometown is up first and……….YOU GUYS……..I fucking love Eric. Rachel meets him in Baltimore and he shows her around the city a bit. Eric has this really…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

I’ll do my best to recap this episode even though I literally fell asleep twice trying to watch it. I blame it partially on a tasty bottle of Rosé and partially on the mid-season blues, which we are now in the thick of. It occurs every year when the bigger personalities/characters have left (not referring…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

This week, we return to find our heroine, Rachel, accompanied by her pack of hunky dum-dums in South Carolina. Lee is stirring up drama like a giant bitch, while Rachel ignores him to canoodle on a boat with Bryan and live her best dang life. It’s crazy that we’re still in the middle of the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4

It really feels like forever since the show has been on! I definitely forgot where we left off, and was bummed when I was reminded that it was with Lee being a fuckstick. I really, really hate him and I hate that this fight has been characterized as some sort of mutual drama, when it’s…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights. Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her…

The Bachelorette Recap Week 2: Case of the Ex

As soon as I saw “The Girlfriend” in the episode previews, I knew the culprit had to be Demario because I have an uncanny almost psychic ability to accidentally draft the villain in my fantasy league. (My number one picks for the past three seasons were Clint, Chad, and Demario). Apparently my shitty taste in…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

We are back for another season! The 13th season of The Bachelorette premiered last night and we made it through an entire episode without Chris Harrison calling it “the most dramatic season ever,” so maybe this season truly is about progress. In the preview for the full season, a few things are clear: they tried…

The Bachelor Recap: Barely-an-Episode 9

Um excuse me? A one hour episode? What was with this weirdly long Raven date? I don’t even get to see the aftermath of Nick not giving her an orgasm? And a 3 hour episode next week? Damn it ABC you have no regard for my schedule! ~Surprise visitor~ Andi shows up. We get a…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

SORRY WE MISSED LAST WEEK! Frreal sorry guys. We used to trade off between the two of us every week for recaps, but I’ve been out of commission due to law school, so my D&H partner has been picking up the slack and doing recaps every single week. It’s actually a shit load of work (feel…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE! Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

There are a few things in this life that I have very little patience for. One is old men I don’t know telling me to smile. Two is women who pee on the toilet seat in public restrooms (I literally don’t understand what you’re doing wrong) and three is Bachelor episodes that don’t end IN…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 7

For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans. Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Picking back up where yesterday left off, Jared can “definitely see himself falling in love with Caila,” who he met yesterday, but I’m just out here like EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE PRINCESS ASHLEY IS BACK. Unfortunately, Ashley I., who we’re still calling Ashley I. even though there is no other Ashley around, is…

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Premiere

Shhhhh! Quiet! I’m trying to listen. What’s that sound I hear? *~*Almost paradise, we’re knockin’ on heaven’s door!*~* Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes FUCK YES BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, at this point, the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette shows have gotten so predictable and boring that Bachelor in Paradise is…