Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 10

All good things must come to an end. And as we bid farewell to summer, we also bid farewell to watching these beautiful disasters canoodle on the beach. This week’s episode was a pretty dull affair, as newcomers have zero chance of developing something, yet still show up in Paradise to humiliate themselves for some…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 7

For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans. Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Picking back up where yesterday left off, Jared can “definitely see himself falling in love with Caila,” who he met yesterday, but I’m just out here like EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE PRINCESS ASHLEY IS BACK. Unfortunately, Ashley I., who we’re still calling Ashley I. even though there is no other Ashley around, is…

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Premiere

Shhhhh! Quiet! I’m trying to listen. What’s that sound I hear? *~*Almost paradise, we’re knockin’ on heaven’s door!*~* Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes FUCK YES BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, at this point, the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette shows have gotten so predictable and boring that Bachelor in Paradise is…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

Usually I try to stay sober for these recaps, so as not to pass out on my keyboard, but three hours of fuckboys calls for a glass of wine or seven, and it’s the finale so yolo I’ll do me. Ernest Hemingway was a drunk after all. Yes, I’m comparing myself, an unpaid writer of…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

This week was the Men Tell All, or more aptly, the Boys Tell All, because everyone was acting like a little whiney bitch boy. The only men here are Chris Harrison and Wells. Chad doesn’t count as man or boy because Chad transcends categorization. These BOYS prove they have learned nothing from watching the season…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 9

This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her remaining men continue to perpetuate classic male and female stereotypes. The men tell her everything she wants to hear in order to get laid, while Jojo drowns Thailand in a sea of her tears. Can someone get this girl some Xanax? What amazes me about this season…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Is it already time for hometowns again?   We kick off this *~*amazing journey*~* in Highlands Ranch, CO, which is a far ass suburb of Denver. Our old friend Plate is chillin’ on a mountain, as one does in Colorado, I guess. We soon learn that he’s insecure about coming from a divorced family and…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 7

Last week I closed my recap with this line: “Somehow, though, Alex is still pissing and moaning. SHUT UP.” TBQH, I’d like to open with that same line this week. In the opening scene, Alex is still complaining even though he made it through the last rose ceremony by the grace of fucking God and got…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

Well, JoJo and her merry band of idiots have left the wonders of southwestern Pennsylvania for Buenos Aires, Argentina! Or as the contestants refer to it, “Bennos Ayeras.” Since they’re in a latin country, they have dressed JoJo in a red dress and forced the guys to say “I can’t think of a better place…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 4

Well that escalated quickly. First of all to my fellow recapper- you’re wrong. Four hours of The Bachelorette IS NOT ENOUGH. Not when it involves Chad. I’m so anxious and antsy from the drama of that episode. Or maybe it’s the fear that Chad is hiding behind my shower curtain rn waiting to kill me?…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 3

Before we begin, let’s make one thing clear: FOUR HOURS OF THE BACHELORETTE IS TOO MUCH FOR ONE WEEK. We open this episode with the gents waking up hungover and expressing their dismay that their house is dirty as fuck. They all got lit last night because they were reeling from a tense rose ceremony…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Last night on The Chad Show, I mean, The Bachelorette, we all took two hours out of our holiday weekend to watch future BIP contestant Chad Johnson half-heartedly pursue Jojo and whole-heartedly consume deli meats. Everyone who say The Bachelor gets more viewers because the girls are more dramatic/crazy/emotional, I think this week has proven you…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

The twelfth season of The Bachelorette kicked off last night without many surprises or change-ups. Looks like we’re in for another season of the same boring bullshit that for some reason, we can’t stop watching. The season began as it usually does, with a flashback to the last season. JoJo’s heartbreak was gleefully re-broadcast for…

Bachelor Recap: Finale Edition!

Well, this was a pretty boring season, huh? This finale alone was *three* hours and I felt like there wasn’t much material to base a full blog post on, but I sure will try. Of course it took less than two minutes for Chris Harrison to call this the “most dramatic Bachelor finale ever,” which…

Bachelor Recap: Women Tell All

Ah the Women Tell All. Where the women don’t really “tell all” but rather talk the same shit and hold the same grudges that they had all season. I love how they all act like they’re so different and changed. Like yes I get that it’s probably traumatic and self-reflective to watch yourself be an…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 9

It’s Fantasy Suite Week! It’s Fantasy Suite Week! That’s right readers, it’s that time of year when our fair-skinned bachelor gets to bone three similarly fair-skinned bachelorettes on TV! But first, we need that special scene in which Ben describes each remaining woman using creative adjectives like “beautiful, amazing, and nice.” These lackluster descriptions are…

Bachelor Recap Episode 8

Sorry for the late recap, five people who read this blog. It’s really hard to drink wine, eat cheese, and take notes on The Bachelor with only two hands, and the latter fell by the wayside this week. By the way, nothing on this earth feels like a bigger waste of time than actually taking…

Don’t Feed the Trolls

A few weeks ago, I wrote a light-hearted listicle called “Shit White People in New Orleans Like.” I included a disclaimer that I am indeed white, live in New Orleans, and enjoy many of the things on my list, but was merely poking a little fun. Until this article went live, my writing partner and…