Ah the Women Tell All. Where the women don’t really “tell all” but rather talk the same shit and hold the same grudges that they had all season. I love how they all act like they’re so different and changed. Like yes I get that it’s probably traumatic and self-reflective to watch yourself be an…
It’s Fantasy Suite Week! It’s Fantasy Suite Week! That’s right readers, it’s that time of year when our fair-skinned bachelor gets to bone three similarly fair-skinned bachelorettes on TV! But first, we need that special scene in which Ben describes each remaining woman using creative adjectives like “beautiful, amazing, and nice.” These lackluster descriptions are…
Sorry for the late recap, five people who read this blog. It’s really hard to drink wine, eat cheese, and take notes on The Bachelor with only two hands, and the latter fell by the wayside this week. By the way, nothing on this earth feels like a bigger waste of time than actually taking…
First things first, sorry for the week-long hiatus. Few things take precedence over The Bachelor, but unfortunately for you all, Mardi Gras is one of them. Anyway, let’s get it poppin’. We begin this week in the sprawling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana! Ben is driving in a red pickup truck to hammer us with the…
Another Monday, another two hours of my life I’ll never get back. We’re reaching that halfway point where the episodes become more blah as the more dramatic contestants are eliminated, leaving us to watch vanilla girls talk about how many offspring they want with the man they’ve just met. I mean I know America hates Olivia,…
Is it just me or did this episode feel like we were a lot further along in the season than episode 4? Maybe it’s because they’re traveling, maybe it’s because I have strong favorites already, or maybe it’s just that the women are getting pathetically obsessive and dramatic earlier than usual this year? And as…
This was a particularly juicy episode, so let’s get down to business. We open with a great Olivia shit-talking session, featuring Amanda and Lauren B., which really sets the tone for this catty-as-fuck episode. God, I cannot imagine what it would be like if cameras captured every shitty thing you said about another person. I…
Episode 2 of this season was a classically predictable, borderline boring installment of The Bachelor. We open with one of the twins stating “Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history.” Well then, moving on. I hate nothing more about this show than when they have all the women stand on a balcony…
I’m a white person in New Orleans and I like most of these things, but hey, let’s have a laugh about it. Dancing too hard to brass music White people in New Orleans like brass music, but they love making sure everyone knows it. Charter schools Somehow, the liberal New Orleans crowd decided that privatizing…
The most dramatic, controversial, and widely-anticipated season of The Bachelor premiered last night to the collective oohs and aahs of middle-aged housewives ’round the world. Though I personally found it to be a mediocre premiere, one thing did not disappoint. I’m gonna go ahead and call it, Ben Higgins is the hottest bachelor we’ve seen,…
It’s that time of year again! No, I’m not referring to Christmas, but rather that glorious time of year where our televisions are graced with the tears of 25-30 ridiculously hot women, and eventually, the tears of one almost inhumanly attractive man (lookin’ at you Ben H.) It’s bachelor time! And if you need to…
Happy birthday to me. Today I turn 23 years old. After 21 I was fine to stay an immortal hot vampire/Tuck everlasting type. But I’m told it doesn’t work that way. When I was younger, I always thought 23 was the ideal age—your peak as a woman so to say. I also for some reason…
