The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

Hometowns week, y’all! Time to see our contestants’ dads in their best dri-fit polos, their moms with freshly done chunky highlights, and their surprisingly well-adjusted siblings. Garrett is up first in his hometown of Manteca, CA. I needed to know more about this little Central Californian town, so like any scholar, I hopped on Wikipedia.…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

This week, Becca brought her six remaining men to the Bahamas! Before we fully immerse ourselves in this authentic cultural experience, though, we need a quick flashback to last week in Richmond. I recently learned that the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to film an episode there and promote the “Virginia is for Lovers”…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

Happy 3rd of July! Today I’m celebrating my patriotism (and day off) by judging hot people on television which is, after all, a great American past time. Deep down I know that this is what Lee Greenwood meant when he sang “I’m proud to be an American.” Fittingly, this week we’re treated to presidential impersonators,…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 2

Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…

The Bachelor Recap: Finale

Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap  this SOB. Kendall is somehow in final four and I…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up.…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself. We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a…

The Bachelor: Premiere

The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney. So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season…

Cream of the Crop: Bachelor Contestants

I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will…

BIP Finale: IDGAF

You guys. This was the finale! We’re done! This is spring semester senior year and I am phoning it in. How much of this feature length film of an episode could I have skipped if we didn’t recap things I’ve already watched and preview things I’m about to watch? Chris Harrison approaches the “couples” to…

BIP Recap: Episode 7

Damn, are we about ready to call it? These episodes are making me, a viewer, stir-crazy, and I’m not the one stuck on a fifty foot beach with a man who nicknamed himself “tickle monster.” Maybe it’s that after the shut down there were only ten days to film. Maybe it’s the complete 180 of…

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Episode 3

Last night on Bachelor In Paradise, Trump interrupted my DVR recording (making this recap extra late) and too-pure-for-this-world Kristina had her heart broken by one of our faves Lil Deanie Baby.* What is left to live for? *Side note: I literally just got that Deanie Baby is a play on Beanie Baby and am now…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

I’ll do my best to recap this episode even though I literally fell asleep twice trying to watch it. I blame it partially on a tasty bottle of Rosé and partially on the mid-season blues, which we are now in the thick of. It occurs every year when the bigger personalities/characters have left (not referring…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights. Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

We are back for another season! The 13th season of The Bachelorette premiered last night and we made it through an entire episode without Chris Harrison calling it “the most dramatic season ever,” so maybe this season truly is about progress. In the preview for the full season, a few things are clear: they tried…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 10

All good things must come to an end. And as we bid farewell to summer, we also bid farewell to watching these beautiful disasters canoodle on the beach. This week’s episode was a pretty dull affair, as newcomers have zero chance of developing something, yet still show up in Paradise to humiliate themselves for some…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 7

For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans. Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with…