Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Picking back up where yesterday left off, Jared can “definitely see himself falling in love with Caila,” who he met yesterday, but I’m just out here like EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE PRINCESS ASHLEY IS BACK. Unfortunately, Ashley I., who we’re still calling Ashley I. even though there is no other Ashley around, is…

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Premiere

Shhhhh! Quiet! I’m trying to listen. What’s that sound I hear? *~*Almost paradise, we’re knockin’ on heaven’s door!*~* Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes FUCK YES BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, at this point, the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette shows have gotten so predictable and boring that Bachelor in Paradise is…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

Usually I try to stay sober for these recaps, so as not to pass out on my keyboard, but three hours of fuckboys calls for a glass of wine or seven, and it’s the finale so yolo I’ll do me. Ernest Hemingway was a drunk after all. Yes, I’m comparing myself, an unpaid writer of…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

This week was the Men Tell All, or more aptly, the Boys Tell All, because everyone was acting like a little whiney bitch boy. The only men here are Chris Harrison and Wells. Chad doesn’t count as man or boy because Chad transcends categorization. These BOYS prove they have learned nothing from watching the season…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Is it already time for hometowns again?   We kick off this *~*amazing journey*~* in Highlands Ranch, CO, which is a far ass suburb of Denver. Our old friend Plate is chillin’ on a mountain, as one does in Colorado, I guess. We soon learn that he’s insecure about coming from a divorced family and…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 7

Last week I closed my recap with this line: “Somehow, though, Alex is still pissing and moaning. SHUT UP.” TBQH, I’d like to open with that same line this week. In the opening scene, Alex is still complaining even though he made it through the last rose ceremony by the grace of fucking God and got…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

Well, JoJo and her merry band of idiots have left the wonders of southwestern Pennsylvania for Buenos Aires, Argentina! Or as the contestants refer to it, “Bennos Ayeras.” Since they’re in a latin country, they have dressed JoJo in a red dress and forced the guys to say “I can’t think of a better place…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 5

Wow ABC, you’ve dealt me some low blows over the years in the way of super hype trailers that lead to very not hype episodes but this has got to be your worst offense. Here I was, popcorn ready for the chad-pocalypse and literally nothing happened. I am going to hunt down the promo editors…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 4

Well that escalated quickly. First of all to my fellow recapper- you’re wrong. Four hours of The Bachelorette IS NOT ENOUGH. Not when it involves Chad. I’m so anxious and antsy from the drama of that episode. Or maybe it’s the fear that Chad is hiding behind my shower curtain rn waiting to kill me?…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 3

Before we begin, let’s make one thing clear: FOUR HOURS OF THE BACHELORETTE IS TOO MUCH FOR ONE WEEK. We open this episode with the gents waking up hungover and expressing their dismay that their house is dirty as fuck. They all got lit last night because they were reeling from a tense rose ceremony…

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Last night on The Chad Show, I mean, The Bachelorette, we all took two hours out of our holiday weekend to watch future BIP contestant Chad Johnson half-heartedly pursue Jojo and whole-heartedly consume deli meats. Everyone who say The Bachelor gets more viewers because the girls are more dramatic/crazy/emotional, I think this week has proven you…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

The twelfth season of The Bachelorette kicked off last night without many surprises or change-ups. Looks like we’re in for another season of the same boring bullshit that for some reason, we can’t stop watching. The season began as it usually does, with a flashback to the last season. JoJo’s heartbreak was gleefully re-broadcast for…

Bachelor Recap: Women Tell All

Ah the Women Tell All. Where the women don’t really “tell all” but rather talk the same shit and hold the same grudges that they had all season. I love how they all act like they’re so different and changed. Like yes I get that it’s probably traumatic and self-reflective to watch yourself be an…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 9

It’s Fantasy Suite Week! It’s Fantasy Suite Week! That’s right readers, it’s that time of year when our fair-skinned bachelor gets to bone three similarly fair-skinned bachelorettes on TV! But first, we need that special scene in which Ben describes each remaining woman using creative adjectives like “beautiful, amazing, and nice.” These lackluster descriptions are…

Bachelor Recap Episode 8

Sorry for the late recap, five people who read this blog. It’s really hard to drink wine, eat cheese, and take notes on The Bachelor with only two hands, and the latter fell by the wayside this week. By the way, nothing on this earth feels like a bigger waste of time than actually taking…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 7

First things first, sorry for the week-long hiatus. Few things take precedence over The Bachelor, but unfortunately for you all, Mardi Gras is one of them. Anyway, let’s get it poppin’. We begin this week in the sprawling metropolis of Warsaw, Indiana! Ben is driving in a red pickup truck to hammer us with the…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

This was a particularly juicy episode, so let’s get down to business. We open with a great Olivia shit-talking session, featuring Amanda and Lauren B., which really sets the tone for this catty-as-fuck episode. God, I cannot imagine what it would be like if cameras captured every shitty thing you said about another person. I…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

Episode 2 of this season was a classically predictable, borderline boring installment of The Bachelor. We open with one of the twins stating “Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history.” Well then, moving on. I hate nothing more about this show than when they have all the women stand on a balcony…

Bachelor Recap: Episode 1

The most dramatic, controversial, and widely-anticipated season of The Bachelor premiered last night to the collective oohs and aahs of middle-aged housewives ’round the world. Though I personally found it to be a mediocre premiere, one thing did not disappoint. I’m gonna go ahead and call it, Ben Higgins is the hottest bachelor we’ve seen,…