Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 10

All good things must come to an end. And as we bid farewell to summer, we also bid farewell to watching these beautiful disasters canoodle on the beach. This week’s episode was a pretty dull affair, as newcomers have zero chance of developing something, yet still show up in Paradise to humiliate themselves for some…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 7

For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans. Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Picking back up where yesterday left off, Jared can “definitely see himself falling in love with Caila,” who he met yesterday, but I’m just out here like EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE PRINCESS ASHLEY IS BACK. Unfortunately, Ashley I., who we’re still calling Ashley I. even though there is no other Ashley around, is…

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 3

Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…