It’s time to dim those lights, instruct Alexa to play some D’Angelo slow jams, and scrub your genitals till they sparkle. Dearest reader, it’s Fantasy Suite week. Before we can get to the *~*intimate times*~* Matt has some childhood trauma to address. Talk about a creative foreplay idea! Matt believes that his estranged relationship with…
I know this blog is supposed to be for recaps, but it’s quickly becoming a place for me to just list my complaints about this stupid ass TV show. This entire season has been mind-numbingly boring, but I thought hometowns could offer a brief reprieve from the snoozefest that is Matt James. No such luck!…
Last night’s episode picked up right where last week’s cliffhanger left off, with Jessenia and MJ making their cases to Matt. I don’t envy Matt; this is really tough. I mean, who to believe? Jessenia, who calmly and concisely explains her position? Or MJ, who snaps her fingers in a Z formation? I gotta say,…
Last night’s episode began with the aftermath of Sarah’s departure. And the remaining women, led by Victoria, are still being vicious. I totally understood why they were annoyed at first – Sarah kept interrupting their very precious and limited time and totally fucked the vibe of that group date. But they went way too far…
Guess who’s back…back again? Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back. (Mom if you’re reading this that is a lyric from a 2002 Eminem song. No, Eminem is not cool again, my references are just that outdated.) Anyway I might just keep going with song lyrics because after a 2+ year hiatus, I’m…
No matter how shitty a season of The Bachelorette is, the Men Tell All episode will always be lit. It’s a comforting constant in an ever-changing world. The Old Faithful of the reality TV universe. Before we get to the men on stage, it’s also worth mentioning who was absent from the show last night…
Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…
Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…
Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap this SOB. Kendall is somehow in final four and I…
Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…
WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened…
Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up.…
Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself. We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a…
I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will…
You guys. This was the finale! We’re done! This is spring semester senior year and I am phoning it in. How much of this feature length film of an episode could I have skipped if we didn’t recap things I’ve already watched and preview things I’m about to watch? Chris Harrison approaches the “couples” to…
With the departure of Kristina, things are a little intense on the beach………..for everyone but Dean, who is now free to fingerbang D.Lo in the pool as much as he wants! The other couples are in pretty good shape too, which means it’s time for a new arrival to ruin everything. Cue Jaimi! You see,…
Damn, are we about ready to call it? These episodes are making me, a viewer, stir-crazy, and I’m not the one stuck on a fifty foot beach with a man who nicknamed himself “tickle monster.” Maybe it’s that after the shut down there were only ten days to film. Maybe it’s the complete 180 of…
Tonight in Purgatory, we watch a newcomer get bullied for eating seafood with her fingers, which is different I guess. We watch approximately seventeen different “love triangles” NOT unfold because these trash men can’t make a decision to save their lives. And we learn that even our dearest Wells can’t make us like puppets. At…
Last weekend, I was doing some shopping at my favorite affordable and ethical grocery chain, Trader Joe’s. A man passed me wearing a button-down shirt with none of the buttons fastened, exposing his entire chest to his fellow shoppers. It was weird but I moved on. As I reached for one of my favorite signature…
The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…
Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit.…
The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I…
I’ll do my best to recap this episode even though I literally fell asleep twice trying to watch it. I blame it partially on a tasty bottle of Rosé and partially on the mid-season blues, which we are now in the thick of. It occurs every year when the bigger personalities/characters have left (not referring…
As soon as I saw “The Girlfriend” in the episode previews, I knew the culprit had to be Demario because I have an uncanny almost psychic ability to accidentally draft the villain in my fantasy league. (My number one picks for the past three seasons were Clint, Chad, and Demario). Apparently my shitty taste in…
So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the…
HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE! Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the…
My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like…
There are a few things in this life that I have very little patience for. One is old men I don’t know telling me to smile. Two is women who pee on the toilet seat in public restrooms (I literally don’t understand what you’re doing wrong) and three is Bachelor episodes that don’t end IN…
We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my…
