The Bachelor Recap: Finale

Finally! It’s over! I need a break from this mumbly man and his flesh colored facial hair. Nick is over it, we’re over it, his family is over it, even the studio audience is over it. Unless you’re a fan of Dancing With The Stars in which case I’m sorry, it’s not over. Although I assume…

The Bachelor Recap: Barely-an-Episode 9

Um excuse me? A one hour episode? What was with this weirdly long Raven date? I don’t even get to see the aftermath of Nick not giving her an orgasm? And a 3 hour episode next week? Damn it ABC you have no regard for my schedule! ~Surprise visitor~ Andi shows up. We get a…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

SORRY WE MISSED LAST WEEK! Frreal sorry guys. We used to trade off between the two of us every week for recaps, but I’ve been out of commission due to law school, so my D&H partner has been picking up the slack and doing recaps every single week. It’s actually a shit load of work (feel…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE! Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

There are a few things in this life that I have very little patience for. One is old men I don’t know telling me to smile. Two is women who pee on the toilet seat in public restrooms (I literally don’t understand what you’re doing wrong) and three is Bachelor episodes that don’t end IN…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 8

Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting. Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 2

This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up. But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains…