The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

No matter how shitty a season of The Bachelorette is, the Men Tell All episode will always be lit. It’s a comforting constant in an ever-changing world. The Old Faithful of the reality TV universe. Before we get to the men on stage, it’s also worth mentioning who was absent from the show last night…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

Hometowns week, y’all! Time to see our contestants’ dads in their best dri-fit polos, their moms with freshly done chunky highlights, and their surprisingly well-adjusted siblings. Garrett is up first in his hometown of Manteca, CA. I needed to know more about this little Central Californian town, so like any scholar, I hopped on Wikipedia.…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

This week, Becca brought her six remaining men to the Bahamas! Before we fully immerse ourselves in this authentic cultural experience, though, we need a quick flashback to last week in Richmond. I recently learned that the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to film an episode there and promote the “Virginia is for Lovers”…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

Happy 3rd of July! Today I’m celebrating my patriotism (and day off) by judging hot people on television which is, after all, a great American past time. Deep down I know that this is what Lee Greenwood meant when he sang “I’m proud to be an American.” Fittingly, this week we’re treated to presidential impersonators,…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

Sorry we missed last week but the thing is that we don’t actually owe you shit! ANYWAY, this week was highly illuminating – I actually feel like I got a better idea of who these men are and I started developing some clear favorites. Turns out a lot of them are trash, though! As if…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

If the brutal separation of screaming children from their terrified asylum-seeking parents isn’t enough to make you hate Donald J. Trump, surely his habitual interruptions of The Bachelorette will do the trick. Seriously, motherfucker, interrupt my broadcast one more goddamn time and…… well, I’ll angrily blog about you to my meager following of readers. Hillary…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 2

Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

Y’all ready for another season of formulaic emotional manipulation? Let’s do the damn thing! Remember how awful the ending of last season was? And how we all started to question how we could watch something so exploitative and humiliating? Well, ABC really heard our feedback. It’s clear that they understand that they went too far…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience…

The Bachelor: Premiere

The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney. So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season…

BIP Recap: Episode 7

Damn, are we about ready to call it? These episodes are making me, a viewer, stir-crazy, and I’m not the one stuck on a fifty foot beach with a man who nicknamed himself “tickle monster.” Maybe it’s that after the shut down there were only ten days to film. Maybe it’s the complete 180 of…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Back in Paradise, Christen is apparently “in on the joke” about eating shellfish with her hands, we STILL are not seeing a rose ceremony, and Daniel has arrived. Lacey is SO excited to see Daniel, like definitely more excited than anyone has ever been to see Daniel in his life. She calls him “witty” and…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

It’s a week before the finale and the men have officially told all! Our faves and least faves returned to the stage last night for a serious airing of grievances, now with 100% more racial tension! Chris Harrison introduced each man individually, which is always fun because some of them get booed and some get…

The Bachelorette: Episode 9

Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit.…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

This season’s hometowns episode featured a converted Sikh man banging a gong and a borderline psychopathic Cuban mother threatening to murder our Bachelorette. Let’s. Get. Into. It. Eric’s hometown is up first and……….YOU GUYS……..I fucking love Eric. Rachel meets him in Baltimore and he shows her around the city a bit. Eric has this really…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

This week, we return to find our heroine, Rachel, accompanied by her pack of hunky dum-dums in South Carolina. Lee is stirring up drama like a giant bitch, while Rachel ignores him to canoodle on a boat with Bryan and live her best dang life. It’s crazy that we’re still in the middle of the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4

It really feels like forever since the show has been on! I definitely forgot where we left off, and was bummed when I was reminded that it was with Lee being a fuckstick. I really, really hate him and I hate that this fight has been characterized as some sort of mutual drama, when it’s…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights. Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

We are back for another season! The 13th season of The Bachelorette premiered last night and we made it through an entire episode without Chris Harrison calling it “the most dramatic season ever,” so maybe this season truly is about progress. In the preview for the full season, a few things are clear: they tried…

The Bachelor Recap: Finale

Finally! It’s over! I need a break from this mumbly man and his flesh colored facial hair. Nick is over it, we’re over it, his family is over it, even the studio audience is over it. Unless you’re a fan of Dancing With The Stars in which case I’m sorry, it’s not over. Although I assume…

The Bachelor Recap: Barely-an-Episode 9

Um excuse me? A one hour episode? What was with this weirdly long Raven date? I don’t even get to see the aftermath of Nick not giving her an orgasm? And a 3 hour episode next week? Damn it ABC you have no regard for my schedule! ~Surprise visitor~ Andi shows up. We get a…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

SORRY WE MISSED LAST WEEK! Frreal sorry guys. We used to trade off between the two of us every week for recaps, but I’ve been out of commission due to law school, so my D&H partner has been picking up the slack and doing recaps every single week. It’s actually a shit load of work (feel…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE! Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the…