The Bachelor Season 25: Episode 10 Recap

It’s time to dim those lights, instruct Alexa to play some D’Angelo slow jams, and scrub your genitals till they sparkle. Dearest reader, it’s Fantasy Suite week. Before we can get to the *~*intimate times*~* Matt has some childhood trauma to address. Talk about a creative foreplay idea! Matt believes that his estranged relationship with…

The Bachelor Season 25: Episode 7 Recap

This season of the Bachelor has really pulled the old bait n’ switch. The producers pulled up to us on the sidewalk in a white unmarked van and were like, “Hey, want this candy?! Come on in!” (The candy being the first Black bachelor, a more diverse cast, and poignant conversations on polarizing but important…

The Bachelor Season 25: Episode 6 Recap

Last night’s episode picked up right where last week’s cliffhanger left off, with Jessenia and MJ making their cases to Matt. I don’t envy Matt; this is really tough. I mean, who to believe? Jessenia, who calmly and concisely explains her position? Or MJ, who snaps her fingers in a Z formation? I gotta say,…

The Bachelor Season 25: Episode 2 Recap

You guys! This is my first recap in like, two years! I’ve missed you, my sweet, sweet Bachelor Babies. Admittedly, Becca’s garbage season broke me and I took a long hiatus from this brain-smoothing television franchise I love so much. But with Matt being a completely fresh Bachelor with no tie to a previous season…

The Bachelor Recap: Finale

Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…